"this do in remembrance of Me"

sunday evening i had the privilege to partake in communion, known also as the eucharist, a holy sacrament of particular--even paramount--importance and significance. in 1 cor. 11:23-34, paul reminds the church of the institution of the Lord's Supper, established the night He was betrayed.

taking part in communion is something we are blessed to do. to some degree, it's also something Jesus commands. concerning the bread and the cup, He instructs His disciples in matt. 26 to "take, eat," and to "drink all of it." this sounds more like a command than a suggestion to say the least :-) paul notes that by partaking in communion we are remembering Christ's broken body and His shed blood.

i think Jesus' instruction to eat and drink has a threefold purpose: it reminds us of what He did in the past; it symbolizes our present relationship with Him; and it is a promise of what He will do in the future. through communion we become aware of what Jesus has done, is doing, and will do through us and for us. this intimate interaction with the body and blood of Christ provides us with the recognition that we, our circumstances, our families, etc., can be changed.

with respect to the broken body of Christ, represented by the bread, we are reminded that Jesus took stripes on His body for our healing--not just physical, but emotional, psychological, and spiritual. is. 53:5 says that Jesus "was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." i believe this applies to our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls. we can be made healed and whole. as for the precious shed blood of Jesus, represented by the cup, we are reminded that Jesus shed His blood for our salvation. 1 peter 1 tells us this: "God paid a ransom to save you...and the ransom He paid was not mere gold or silver as you very well know. but He paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God." Jesus says in matt. 26, "for this is my blood..."it is poured out to forgive the sins of multitudes." Jesus' blood indeed has the power to save to the uttermost, but we must partake in its entirety.

a final note on the power of the blood is this, from lev. 17:11, God speaking: "for the life of the flesh is in the blood, and I have given you the blood...as an atonement for your souls; it is the blood that makes atonement because it is the life." in other words, the blood is equated with life. we can experience new and true life with Christ because of His shed blood. after all, He came to die so that we could live. atonement is the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Christ. i once had atonement explained to me as 'at-one-ment,' meaning we are made one with Christ through His shed blood. col. 1:19-20 makes it clear that God sent His Son "to reconcile all things unto Himself, making peace through the blood of His cross" (col. 1:19-20). the application of the blood to our lives will indeed bring reconciliation, salvation, and peace.

the observance of communion has a powerful effect, both personally and corporally. we can experience deep healing, and it makes us one with Christ and each other. and i think that's the point, as we reflect on what Christ did, is doing, and will do...and the point is healing and unity. one final point comes from Jesus' prayer to His Father, in john 17 (a beautiful prayer worth reading). here's the passage that i think is of acute relevance: "13 And now I am coming to You. I have told them many things while I was with them so that they would be filled with my joy. 14 I have given them Your commands. and the world hates them because they don’t fit in with it, just as I don’t. 15 I’m not asking You to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from satan’s power. 16 they are not part of this world any more than I am. 17 make them pure and holy through teaching them Your words of truth. 18 as You sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world, 19 and I consecrate myself to meet their need for growth in truth and holiness. 20 I am not praying for these alone but also for the future believers who will come to Me because of the testimony of these. 21 My prayer for all of them is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as You and I are, Father—that just as You are in Me and I am in You, so they will be in Us, and the world will believe You sent Me. 22 I have given them the glory You gave Me—the glorious unity of being one, as We are— 23 I in them and You in Me, all being perfected into one—so that the world will know You sent Me and will understand that You love them as much as You love Me."

i'm thankful for the power of communion!

learning through suffering

job is a book about human suffering...it's a great study on suffering that's designed to bring us to God, not drive us from Him. God orchestrates it all. in fact, the writer of the book of job explains that satan isn't even allowed to test job without God's permission. God even puts constraints on how satan can test job's devotion to God and his deep faith. God tells satan, "do whatever you want with everything he possesses, but don't harm him physically" (job 1:12). job's suffering, granted by God's permission, reminds me of a verse in isaiah 45. God says, "I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the Lord, am the One who does these things" (45:7). the king james version actually says this: "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things."

though it's frustrating to try and understand why bad things happen, it's encouraging to think that satan, the prince of darkness, isn't even in control of his own domain! hell ain't got any power over anything...period :-) God is in control. the mystery of suffering is meant to bring us to this awareness, even if we can't make sense of all the pain, loss, and devastation; suffering is designed to bring us to a God who is in control. even when it doesn't make sense, we need to find God in our suffering: “people cry out when they are oppressed...yet they don’t ask, ‘where is God my Creator, the one who gives songs in the night?'" (job 35:9-10). our suffering should bring us to a place of learning, just like elihu tells job: "those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering" (job 36:15).

i recently heard this statement: "living through suffering." within this statement is the notion that you're going to make it through...you're living 'through' it. life continues, no matter how challenging or complicated, but you're living it through and you will come out the other side. there's also the notion that while enduring a great deal in the 'through' process, you're still living. you're living through the suffering. from now on, instead of saying i'm just living with it, i'm going to remind myself that i'm living through it and God will certainly be there on the other side...and of course He's with me in it. in spite of there being no pat answers, and there being the guarantee of suffering in the world (john 16:33), job shows us how God entrusts us with difficult things to position us--to bring us to a place of decision of whether or not we are going to trust Him--because His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 cor. 12:9). when we are at our weakest point, that's when God is at His strongest.

another point is that job was doing what he knew to do in going through the motions and routine of life, but he needed to learn what God needed him to do. job 12:13 says, "true wisdom and real power belong to God; from Him we learn how to live, and also what to live for." and what is this you might ask? well, i would offer an answer from the very end of the book: "when job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes. in fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before!...so the Lord blessed job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning" (job 42:10 & 12). God needs us to be present and available in people's lives...praying for them, listening to them, loving them. in the midst of our own suffering, we need to pray and live for the people around us.

after God Himself confronts job in job 38-41, pressing job to pull himself together and reminding him that He sees our suffering and shares our pain, job begins to see that through suffering life can be transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness in remarkable ways that could have never been anticipated before the suffering. from this we can see that even when we feel alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do, we must realize that the same God who came to job in a whirlwind is the same God who will come to us in our time of need. like job, we will be able to say, "i'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. nothing and no one can upset Your plans" (job 42:2).

job caught a glimpse of this earlier in the book--after outlining everything he had been through--when he says, "still, i know that God lives--the One who gives me back my life" (job 19:25). still further, in job 23:8-10, job says, "i go east, but He is not there. i go west, but i cannot find Him. i do not see Him in the north, for He is hidden. i look to the south, but He is concealed. but He knows where i am going. and when He tests me, i will come out as pure gold." even when we don't know where God is in our suffering, He knows where we are!

salt and light

the other day i was thinking about the relevance of matthew 5:13-16 in our everyday lives. the message bible puts it this way:

13 “let me tell you why you are here. you’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. if you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? you’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. 14-16 “here’s another way to put it: you’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. we’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. if I make you light-bearers, you don’t think i’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? i’m putting you on a light stand. now that i’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! keep open house; be generous with your lives. by opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

the passage is pretty direct, eh? "let me tell you why you're here." quoting Jesus, matthew highlights 2 principles: we are here to be the salt of the earth, and we're here to be the light of the earth. in other words, we're not here to do our own thing. we're here to do a God thing. God has a very specific work for us to do that only we can do as we represent God here on earth. He is counting on us to share and spread "God-flavours" and "God-colours."

consider some of the uses of salt. it seasons, preserves, cleanses. and what about light? well, it illuminates, warms, energizes. most significantly and encapsulating, i think, is that salt and light influence and penetrate their surroundings. once introduced to an environment, the environment changes. this is what Jesus intends for us to do in our world...to influence, to penetrate, to change. we do this when we show God-flavours and God-colours, the most notable of which is love, because when we love other things like forgiveness, humility, kindness, generosity, etc., will most certainly be easily exercised in our lives.

being salt and light is a lifetime exercise. as with exercise, we need to extend ourselves. it's something we need to keep going back to, over and over. and, just like salt is spread and light radiates, we need the world to taste and see God in us. by doing this, we can say with the psalmist david, "open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see--how good God is" (psalm 34:8).

practicing holiness

1 peter 1:13-25 provides some invaluable teaching from which we can glean a great deal. peter writes to the early church (and to us) that we need to "think clearly and exercise self control" with a "deep consciousness of God" and His Word. when we allow ourselves to be "pulled into a life shaped by God's life" and His Word, God will give us a future unfettered by "sloppy living." that's not to say we won't have bad days or that we won't make mistakes or that we won't find ourselves in a mess on occasion; it means that God, by the sacrifice of Christ, will guide us step by step on our journey because His Word is a map. we don't have to be bound to our old life before Christ; we can be free to live a life of praise to God for all He has done...for giving us the privilege to live for Him.

peter is very clear that when we follow the truth of God's Word, our new lives are not like our old lives; our new birth comes from God's living Word, and God's living Word was/is literally Jesus: "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...so the Word became human and made His home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness" (john 1:1 & 14). peter also instructs us to "love one another as if [our] lives depended on it." and that's fundamentally what the world needs and is the greatest evidence of God in us.

peter provides a challenge that we can only meet by applying God's Word to our daily living so that we can work and walk and worship in this world. essentially, it's an injunction from God Himself that lovingly forces us to be aware of Him...to clean up our lives by pursuing truth. the challenge is this: "so you just live as God's obedient children. don't slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. you didn't know any better then. but now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. for the Scriptures say, 'you must be holy because I am holy" (1 peter 1:14-16). peter is referring to verses found in leviticus 11:44-45, 19:2, and 20:7 where God instructs His children to be careful to keep all of His commands by putting them into practice, and to set themselves apart to be holy because He is holy.

and that's the key. holiness is not about perfection. it's about practice. the most basic meaning of the words holy and holiness is to be set apart TO God and FROM the world. It's about dedicating yourself to God so that in your new life "the way you live will always honour and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. all the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better" (colossians 1:10). in this way, God's Word--literally, Jesus--will come alive in us so that we can grow, honouring God with our lives, and producing good fruit. holiness ISN'T about perfect conduct; it's about practical awareness that we are His and He is ours. it's about a commitment to strive for holiness in our lives.mbecause of that application in our lives we can live productive, maybe even exemplary lives of God at work in us, working through us to love, and forgive, and trust, and show compassion, and spread joy...

i know. i need to stop :-) but, i like how the apostle paul wraps up the fruit of the spirit which i think is one way we can practice being holy--being set apart to God and from the world. after he lists them in galations 5:22 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control) he says, "there is no law against these things." in other words, there is no cap or limit. practicing those qualities in our ordinary, everyday lives, we will certainly live lives "energetic and blazing with holiness" (1peter 1:15).

"so roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready" (1 peter 1:13) to practice holiness!

just a thought...

just a thought...or 2...or a few...

yoda: try not. do...or do not. there is no try.
luke: i don't, i don't believe it.
yoda: that is why u fail.

and a yoda paraphrase..."don't end your training...don't choose the quick and easy path"

there might be something to this :-)

"whatever presents itself for you to do, do it (with all your might)" (ecclesiastes 9:10).

to paraphrase Jesus..."so in everything, do...the easy path [ie: not doing] leads to destruction...do, ask, seek, knock...just do!!!" (matthew 7)

don't just try! do!

"what do you mean, 'if i can?'" Jesus asked. "anything is possible if a person believes" (mark 9:23).

so, just do it! (thanks, nike)

🎶 i'll tell you what He wants, what He really, really wants 🎶

romans 12:1 says this: "so here's what i want you to do, God helping you: take your everyday, ordinary life--and place it before God as an offering." it's worth noting that the writer, paul, begins this chapter in a way that suggests that he has given some instruction prior to his "so here's what i want you to do" statement. in chapter 11 of romans, paul describes God's mercy on Israel (His chosen people), a people prone to stumbling and falling and turning their backs on Him. God was relentless in His pursuit of them, so that He could show His free grace (His unmerited favour)...so that He could show that they didn't have to stumble and fall beyond recovery...so that He could show that His mercy is far reaching. paul makes clear that God's grace (getting what we don't deserve) and mercy (not getting what we do deserve) are now available to everyone, and he notes that "God's gifts and God's call under full warranty--never canceled, never rescinded" (11:29). they can never be withdrawn, so because of this, "here's what i want you to do..." (ps: this isn't to suggest that we can take the grace of God for granted, abusing it, like it's a license to sin...because we can't...that's not what God's grace is about...we can't abuse it, but we can take advantage of it 😀).

God wants our undivided attention in our every day lives because of the high price that was paid for our salvation. He wants our conscientious gratitude for what He has done, as He works to change us from the inside out so that the world recognizes Him in us by our loving, and serving, and helping, and reaching out, and playing second fiddle, and getting along with people, and being kind, and yes, even smiling 😀 God isn't asking for perfection; He wants our hurts, and our hang-ups, and our habits so that He can develop well-formed maturity in us...and the exciting thing is that as we give our ordinary selves to God daily, God will help us. He doesn't expect us to 'do life' on our own, or to 'be religious,' but He does expect that our relationship with Him will show, even in our everyday, ordinary lives...ESPECIALLY in our everyday, ordinary lives. In fact, romans 12 is pretty direct in telling us that God will give us transformative opportunities that will ultimately help us "not let evil conquer" us, but we will be empowered to "conquer evil by doing good" (12:21). i like what james 1:27 says about what matters to God for us in this life: "pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." God wants your religion to show in how you reach out to others, and in your relationship with Him. basically, let your little light shine in the darkness. that's what God wants.

i also like how the new king james version puts romans 12:1: "i beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service." we, by the mercies of God, give our lives to Him and this is our reasonable service. it is the least we can do for all He has done. "embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him." the best way to worship God is to place our lives before Him for Him to use, and to not "copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you by changing the way you think. then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect" (12:1). that's what God wants.

your walk with God is a journey. sometimes there will be hills and valleys and obstacles and detours...and ALWAYS there will be opportunities and people for us to serve, teach, encourage, give, lead, show kindness to, to hate what is wrong and hold tightly to what is good. that's what God wants.

i like one biblical analogy which likens our walk with God as being on a ladder, and the old hymn comes to my mind "one day at a time," except in my head i hear "one [rung] at a time." and i think that's what this is all about as we live lives of sacrifice and dedication to God...one day, one rung, at a time.

give God your rungs and your days...everyday...and watch and see what He will do through you, and with you, and for you, and sometimes even in spite of you 😀 that's what He wants.

you're blessed!

the message bible titles the beatitudes passage found in matthew 5 like this: "you're blessed." i've copied and pasted the passage at the end for your easy access, because it is a great and hope-full passage to read to remind yourself that you're blessed...no matter what state you're in.

i would like to reiterate and expound upon a few points:

1) people committed to Jesus followed Him, which is relevant for us today. we need to follow Jesus in our everyday lives, just as if we were physically going out to the hillside with Him to hear what He had to say. today we can do this by being committed to a relationship with the Word of God. we can follow Jesus by following His Word. this won't always be easy, just like making the dusty, dry, trek out to the hillside and then being faced with a mountain to climb wasn't easy for His followers, but they were committed...they didn't take off to the beach :-) following Jesus takes effort, but the effort is well worth it because of the blessings in store. we need to hear what He has to say by following His Word.

2) Jesus wants the very best for us, hence His own commitment to apprentice His followers. since they were so committed to Jesus and His ministry, taking the time to follow Him, Jesus carefully selected an environment that would be conducive to teaching (after all, the beatitudes are the beginning of Jesus' longest recorded sermon, found in matthew 5-7). on this occasion, Jesus chose a quiet place where He could sit down and instruct, away from the distractions of the bustling galilean fishing village of capernaum, which was also a chief commercial and social centre of the area during Jesus' ministry. Jesus wanted to give His undivided attention to His followers so that they could hear some of His most central teachings. this meant getting away from commerce and socialization, and sometimes we will need to remove ourselves from those things as well, so that we can take advantage of the best that Jesus has for us.

the beatitudes outline a number of occasions or states that promise us blessing when we are in that particular place in our lives...different 'attitudes,' if you will. When you're in the 'attitude' of ________ (pick any one of the beatitudes: humble, sorrowful, patient, hungry & thirsty for God, merciful, honest, peaceful, persecuted, joyful), this is what will 'be:' ________(again, pick the corresponding beatitude: you'll have more of God, you'll be comforted, you'll inherit the earth, you'll be filled, you'll be shown mercy, you will see God, you will be called the children of God, you will attain the Kingdom of Heaven, you will have a great reward in Heaven).

i gave some thought to the first beatitude, that of being poor in spirit. when we empty ourselves of ourselves, it becomes about 'less of me and more of Him.' when realize we can't do it on our own, we actually gain more strength with that recognition. james 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." humility opens the door for grace, a demonstration God's unmerited favour and extravagant care, whereby we get what we don't deserve and don't get what we do deserve. in a world that seeks to subvert our attention from God with all the distractions of life, 2 peter 3:18 tells us that we can "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." when we get to the end of ourselves and the end of our rope, and our attitude shifts from wanting to do it all on our own, we have the promise that our humility will help us attain the Kingdom of Heaven.

Jesus wraps up the beatitudes by telling His followers that they are the salt of the earth (matthew 5:11-14). we can't live a watered down life where anything goes. rather, we need to basically start shaking off some of the salt to make those around us thirsty for what we've got. we need to "let [our] good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise [our] Heavenly Father," because it's all about Him. don't dilute the Word of God in your life or what God has done for you; share it, spread it, sprinkle it so that the world will also seek what preserves us...the grace of God "that has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. and we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. we should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God...He gave His life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us His very people, totally committed to doing good deeds" (titus 2:11-14).

as promised, here's the beatitudes passage:

1-2 when Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. arriving at a quiet place, he sat down and taught his climbing companions. this is what he said:

3 “you’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. with less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “you’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “you’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. that’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

6 “you’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

7 “you’re blessed when you care. at the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

8 “you’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. then you can see God in the outside world.

9 “you’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. that’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

10 “you’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. the persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

11-12 “not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. what it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. you can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! and all heaven applauds. and know that you are in good company. my prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

be blessed!

we can't do it on our own

"God wants His people reinvigorated and restored in every way...but this is not possible without a bold move of the Holy Spirit." we need God's Holy Spirit at work in us, and working through us, and working for us. our deep spiritual needs require deliverance that the power of the Holy Spirit provides because the Holy Spirit offers such a deep connection to the raw power of God; we have to be willing to receive it (after all, it's a gift, according to acts 2:38), and we have to be willing to give ourselves to it. in turn, the Holy Spirit gives us power in our lives to live a life that recognizes sin before we yield to it...it gives us power to witness to our friends, family, coworkers, etc...it gives us power to be set free from the things that bind us...it gives us power to be stirred in our souls until we have nothing less than all that God has for us.

acts 1:8 says, "but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. and you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere..." we need to take advantage of what Jesus did for us by going away: "i am telling you nothing but the truth when I say it is profitable (good, expedient, advantageous) for you that I go away. because if I do not go away, the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Advocate, Intercessor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you [into close fellowship with you]; but if I go away, I will send Him (the Holy Spirit) to you [to be in close fellowship with you" (john 16:7). the Holy Spirit at work in our lives gives us a fullness of power with God in the spiritual realm, and when we yield ourselves to it, God's power will certainly be unleashed on the earth.

the Holy Spirit will change us, and it will help us make changes in our lives, allowing us to show and spread God's love in a great way so that He ultimately gets the glory and the credit. it gives us confidence and a boldness to be His witnesses on earth, and if we question God's will in a situation, the Holy Spirit will give direction so that we pray God's will and not our own. our 'good' idea might not be a 'God' idea, so the Holy Spirit will provide direction in prayer...we can literally be "led by the Spirit" (romans 8:14).

On a final note, i felt God impress passages of galations 5 on me and i think it's relevant: "so Christ has made as free...we by the help of the Holy Spirit are counting on Christ's death to clear away our sins and to make us right with God...you have been given freedom: not freedom to do wrong, but freedom to love and serve each other. for the whole Law can be summed up in this one command: 'love others as you love yourself'...i advise you to obey only the Holy Spirit's instructions. He will tell you where to go and what to do...when the Holy Spirit controls our lives He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control...let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives."

we can't do it on our own. we need to go in the strength and power of God's Holy Spirit. God, get within us in all fullness!

it's about time

wow! where has the time gone?!? only time will tell i suspect. the hands on the clock keep ticking and tocking away with persistent and consistent regularity. i have discovered that we can certainly rely on the passage of time.

we can count on time.

i have also discovered that time creates a space for looking...a space for looking back and ahead...a space for reflection and anticipation. time has a spatial element to it, but the space isn't necessarily fixed. it can be fluid. in fact, one song writer would have us to believe that time is fluid: "time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future..." after all, time flies :-) and on the flip side, we are familiar with expressions such as 'frozen in time' and 'time stood still.' the point is that the hands of time can give us a place to reflect on perhaps how we'd like to 'turn back time.' conversely, it can give us a place to anticipate when the 'time is ripe.'

but, believe it or not, you can't actually 'kill time' even though that's what you tell the sales associate when you're waiting for someone or something, as if you have loads of 'spare time'...but it could be that you're 'wasting time' :-) and 'stop the clock' only implies that a timer was initiated and not that time has actually been stopped or that you can 'save time' by stopping the clock.

you get the point.

now on the side topic of ticking and tocking, i must interject that i love onomatopoeias.

roar

grunt

oink

plop

meow

scratch

bark

thump

um...sorry...i got distracted by sound words...

back to ticking and tocking and time and place.

we recently did the whole daylight saving time thing. you know...spring ahead. it will happen again in reverse in november. you got it...fall back. in the meantime, grass will grow, flowers will bloom, the sun will rise and set, there will be full and half and harvest moons, work will pick up then slow down then pick up again, you'll go on vacation, errands will be run and appointments attended, you'll celebrate your birthday and maybe an anniversary, there will be births and parties and weddings and funerals, you'll finish that book you started ages ago and maybe start another one, the car will break down, you'll miss the bus, you'll catch a cab, you'll take a nap...basically, it's about time...

you know, it's interesting...that phrase. it's about time. it's typically used as a preface or a conclusion, and always in relation to someone finally getting around to something or something finally happening. like, "well, it's about time you showed up." or, "he got a job. well, it's about time." when you hear the phrase "it's about time," it's almost always about the individual, but i propose we consider the expression in the context of what it actually suggests because it really is about time...and time is about space or place. there must be an avenue...there must be room...there must be a reason...and time will tell when it's time because there will be activity and a filled void or a journey begun...when the time is right...but it actually is about time.

we talk about moments in time and taking our time as if time is ours...and you know what? it is. but, we can't mistake the fact that we don't have all the time in the world, because we might only be able to lay claim to the nick of time.

the bible says "my times are in His Hand," a verse i have clung to while fighting leukemia, and it has made me realize that each day i have 24 hrs, or 1 440 minutes, or 86 400 seconds to manage my time and i have to make each hour, each minute, and each second count. meanwhile, i know God is watching the clock as the ultimate time keeper.

as of today, i am 269 days post bone marrow/stem cell transplant. while my days, hours, minutes, and seconds have included many bumps that still persist, i am certainly in a better state than i was when i first got sick in october 2012. thankfully my transplant worked and today i am leukemia free, thanks to science, medicine, and many prayers. each moment of my journey has been in God's loving Hand. the bible also says that God "saw me before i was born. every day of my life was recorded in Your book. every moment was lid out before a single day had passed." because of God's gift of time for my life, He has been aware of every moment...because they have been in His Hand.

it really is about time. there is a season for everything. there is a time and a place. and we can count on it, even if it's "one day at a time, sweet Jesus that's all i'm asking from You. give me the strength to do everyday what i have to do. yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine. so for my sake teach me to take one day at a time."

and one more biblical perspective from the book of ecclesiastes: "again i looked throughout the earth and saw that the swiftest person does not always win the race, nor the strongest man the battle, and that wise men are often poor, and skillful men are not necessarily famous; but it is all by chance, by happening to be at the right place at the right time."

it's about time...

thinking is wonder-full!!!

“think and wonder, wonder and think.”--dr. seuss


thinking is wonder-full! wonder breeds thought.
i wonder if wonder's innate or is taught?
i'm thinking the former and also the latter.
it depends on your teaching; it depends on your matter.
the two are intwined i'm inclined to suppose,
and i think you'll agree if you think on your toes.--tls :-)

in loving memory of jacqueline quinn--july 6th, 1966-august 12th, 2013

"if God sends you down a stony path, He will give you strong shoes."

in our own ways, we are all on a stony path of some sort today. i would like to extend my deepest sympathies to jackie's family and friends. laurence, david, betty, robert, antonella and your children, may the God of strength and peace sustain you. surround yourself with memories of jackie and feel her strength even in the face of deep loss. remember her sparkling eyes, her smile, her laughter, her sense of humor, her spirit.

i met jackie and some of her wonderful family and friends over the course of the last 8 months at the juravinski hospital and cancer centre. that's where our paths crossed. horrible circumstances brought us together, and while the pain of loss is great, i wouldn't have changed my own personal circumstances if that meant not meeting jackie on this journey. would i have changed the outcome? certainly, but i believe our meeting was one of those "meant to be" events on the road of life. our paths were meant to cross. after monday night, i realized that more than ever, as i believe she passed on her courage and spirit to me.

i know jackie in relation to the disease we shared. it was how we identified, but not how we defined ourselves. when few could understand the fears and frustrations of a horrible diagnosis, and even though our similar paths took us on different courses at times, we could relate and draw strength from each other. let me clarify...i drew strength from jackie. at times when i was scared or struggling, jackie was quick to offer support and encouraging words to keep fighting, even when her own path was especially rocky. i can remember how encouraging our couple of breakfast dates were. breakfast at the sunset grill never tasted so good as it did with a friend who could relate. we didn't pretend that the hurdles weren't great or scary, and it was an incredible source of strength for me to talk candidly to one who understood by experience. at the same time, we were both determined to not let our diagnosis get the best of us. while it stood to take a lot, it could not--and did not--take the best of jackie, because cancer is so limited. today we recognize that cancer wasn't beat in the way we prayed, but the irony is that jackie did in fact beat cancer. today she is free, and a diagnosis that took her from us can't shut out memories or silence courage.

 i can say without hesitation that jackie is my hero in the fight against leukemia as well as in terms of what it means to fight with a great spirit and attitude. she represents the ultimate in strength and courage in the face of great obstacles and challenges. to me it seemed like she took each hurdle in great stride and with a steadfastness that perhaps belied her own sense of urgency to just get that leg of the race behind her, but i don't believe for a second she was resigned to the direction her road seemed to be taking her. i believe that jackie tied her strong shoes tight everyday, prepared for any detour.

leukemia brought us together, and although it is what now separates us, it cannot sever the respect and admiration i have for her. jackie embodies a depth of character that i have never seen so graciously portrayed, despite her circumstances. when many would have given up, been bitter, or languished in self pity, jackie never played the martyr. 

when i say she is my hero, it's a supreme understatement because i don't think i could ever adequately convey what she has taught me about what it means to meet a road block head on and take a detour in stride...and with a smile. and, in terms of my own journey with leukemia, jackie was a great support, and her encouragement was a blessing. i remember the day i found out i needed a stem cell transplant. i went up to see jackie and she detected my fear and anxiety about the process. she wasn't feeling well herself that day but she sat up in the bed and said with a smile, "you can do this, teri-lyn. you can do this." so much of my own journey has been positively influenced by jackie's care, compassion, understanding, and strength. she has given me more reasons to journey on.

jackie has a special place in my heart and my own journey takes on a new meaning because i am sure to sense her genuine care and compassion every step of the way. i believe she will be my guardian angel, and i feel her strength. she has shown me what it means to fight with dignity and to bravely and courageously keep putting one foot in front of the other on the path of life, no matter how difficult.

tom jones said this, and i can hear jackie saying it: "let's not complain about why things don't work. let's see if we can come up with something that we can all get behind.” get behind each other in the days ahead. we can't begin to understand the forks in the road of jackie's journey, but we can get behind the person she was and all she represented.

thank you, jackie, for never giving up and for giving it all you had. you have blazed a trail of strength far beyond your days. my own journey has been made better because of you. i am honoured and privileged to know you in the capacity that i did, and while cancer has taken much, it has not taken away the person you were, the courageous battle you fought, and the exemplary way you travelled with unparalleled fortitude on your path. i put on your strong shoes on monday night as your spirit lingered and empowered. i will continue on my own journey with your strength as my inspiration and road map.

you are indeed my hero and now my guardian angel. i have big shoes to fill.

rest in peace, my dear friend and fellow fighter.

detour to cancer centre

sometimes our journey takes us on a path we didn't see coming...a detour on the road of life we never believed we would be faced with...and then there before us stands the detour that challenges every fibre of our being...

but a detour is not a destination; it's simply another way to get where we're going. it's defined as a roundabout or circuitous way or course, especially one used temporarily when the main route is closed. 

my main route has been closed since last october 17th, and while on this detour, i am still on my way...i'm just taking an alternative route once my road diverged in the wood and i set out on the one less travelled by...but i believe my detour is directed and not one step has been unseen. 

a light guides me. 

thankful.

"don't move that limbo bar. you'll be a limbo star."--chubby checker

i find myself in an interesting, aggravating, and heart telling place place these days. limbo, if you will. limbo in the sense of being in an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place, as defined by dictionary.com, or as the oxford dictionary defines, an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. 

the space i metamorphically occupy envelops me, framing my every thought and action, and yet i am not defined by the space that i occupy. rather, i choose to be developed by it...not be stringently or radically defined by it. i am a dynamic participant in a state of change. i am in a liminal space, where i am ever in a state of becoming, occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold...ever on the cusp and in the middle. 

it's the space between.

let me break it down.

today i don't look like i have cancer, but i am sick enough that i need a transplant. i'm not well, but i am not sick. i am a cancer patient who doesn't define herself by just a disease; i am a cancer patient who defines herself as a person who has leukemia, but my being isn't defined by a diagnosis or a treatment protocol because it could change. again. 

but how do i identify? when i walk into the juravinski i don't look like other cancer patients. most days i have to remind myself i have cancer. having cancer has evolved into having a blood cancer, which evolved into needing chemo, which has evolved into needing a transplant, but for the most part i don't fit into any of the molds...i don't look like, i don't feel like, and yet...

i am...

...and i have...

...and i need...

i am not just a cancer patient. i have acute myeloid leukemia. a blood cancer that starts in my marrow and enters my blood stream.

cancer created a common fear and divide between having cancer and not having cancer, but leukemia made me unique and gave me the courage to fight. acute myeloid leukemia suddenly made me unique, setting me apart from a normal, healthy body, putting me in a new category of being. my cells are different than those of a healthy person and because of that i require treatment. my body has taken on a new definition of what it means to be well. what's normal for me has a new definition, and it has changed several times since i was diagnosed with leukemia because normal is relative...normalcy depends on everything else...but my new normal doesn't define me because again, the space is liminal and always changing. normal a little more than a year ago meant shortness of breath, bruising, difficulty doing anything physical, debilitating fatigue. normal after my diagnosis meant blood and platelet transfusions, antibiotics, chemo, hair loss, drug reactions, picc lines and showers with bags on my arm. normal after chemo meant a compromised immune system, fevers, infection, patchy hair growth, bottles of antibacterial wash, masks in public. normal after finding out i need a transplant means a new state of limbo because i am literally in an uncertain period of waiting...

i am...

...and i have...

...and i need...

when i got my diagnosis i accepted it. and yet acceptance--in the sense of understanding "why me?"--still evades me. but i accepted in the sense that i could accept that my body decided to stop cooperating with rules of how the body is supposed to operate...i had to accept that my being "fearfully and wonderfully made" by God now includes unhealthy white cells, setting me apart from what medicine and science and society recognize as being healthy.

the psalmist explains it this way, a passage i have referred to before, and a passage i sometimes struggle with: "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. thank You for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--how well i know it. You watched me as i was being formed in utter seclusion, as i was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before i was born. every day of my life was recorded in Your book. every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." the struggle is one of not understanding God's workmanship, which for me now includes leukemia cells, and yet is marvelous if i accept how i have been designed. my wonderful complexity has taken on divergent complexity...a challenging one to accept.

my visceral reaction was never to blame God because i chose to accept that my wonderful complexity includes leukemia cells--not "why me?" but "now what?" He made me. He must have a reason for designing me the way He did. He must have a reason for bringing me to this place...a space no one would ever request to be in.

i chose to accept that my leukemia came from somewhere, or i was born with it. i accept that my health care team can detect leukemia cells in my body, except i don't accept that it came from nowhere. "it didn't come from anywhere" they told me. they told me i didn't do anything to get leukemia and i couldn't have done anything to prevent it, but the nagging question remains...

where did it come from? it had to come from somewhere. God must have allowed it to happen. or i was born with it, which means God knew. and if i was born with it, how can it be corrected? should it be corrected? what's normal now? well, it can't be defined in the way we define normalcy, or i wouldn't have cancer. i wouldn't be a leukemia patient. i don't accept that cancer is normal, but in so doing, i imply that God's workmanship in me is somehow flawed because cancer wasn't His original design, especially if i was made in His image. but i haven't blamed God for allowing this to happen or making me this way. instead, i have chosen to accept the various states  to which i have been brought.

my diagnosis carried with it several months of scheduled chemotherapy treatments which, while helpful to kill most of the leukemia cells, didn't bring me to a state of remission, but to this pre-transplant state.

the leukemia patient becomes the transplant patient because her otherwise very healthy body and organs can't survive on unhealthy blood. and for the second time i stand before the limbo stick, only this time the words aren't "you have acute myeloid leukemia," but "you need a bone marrow transplant." in between. again. not defined by the state and place and space i am...but being developed by it.

and so i bend backward from the knees and move shuffling forward under the horizontal bar that is before me, hoping as it is lowered that i can successfully pass from one state to the other, morphing from the space on this side of the bar, to the space on the other side of the bar, but not before being squarely in the middle of transition, as i evolve from this state to the next, never defined by the state, but being ever developed by it while occupying a position at, or on both sides of the threshold.

one philosopher put it this way: "the bud disappears when the blossom breaks through, and we might say that the former is refuted by the latter; in the same way when the fruit comes, the blossom may be explained to be a false form of the plant's existence, for the fruit appears as its true nature in place of the blossom. the ceaseless activity of their own inherent nature makes these stages moments of an organic unity, where they not merely do not contradict one another, but where one is as necessary as the other; and constitutes thereby the life of the whole."

the stages i find myself are not what define me, because the stages change, but the stages are necessary and constitutional for the development of who i am. the stages are spaces between. just like being on this or that side of the limbo stick, or in the process of passing from stage to stage, as the bud disappears, and the blossom gives way to the fruit.

and as i pause under the limbo stick, aware of where i have come from, and knowing my goal is to make it to the other side, i observe what seems to be outside of my passage, realizing that it is the limbo stick that is moving me from one state to the other, not only instrumental but fundamental to my becoming.

the space between...hardly limiting. merely liminal. as i stand on this side, from here to there. and as i look back, from there to here...

the good bad news

yesterday hollie and i went for the results of my last bone marrow test, six months plus a day after my diagnosis. for reasons i don't get, i didn't get the result of remission that i had hoped for & 1000s have prayed for...not yet, at least :-)

dr. leber, my hematologist walked in the room with his nurse, sat down, touched my shoulder & said, "we have mixed news for you today---'good' bad news."

bad news was all i heard at first.

he went on to explain that the leukemia cells are still showing 1:10,000 after running a complex test with a fancy machine that shows cells not visible in any of the other tests they ran on my sample. in fact, 5 years ago he said he would have been walking in the room & declaring me to be in remission based on just a couple of tests that are run with the bone marrow & blood sample. however, due to medical advancements & the development of new & intricate technology, cancer cells not previously able to be seen can now be detected. 5 years ago, i would have walked out of the room 'in remission,' but eventually the cells would have reproduced to the point where they were again visible in the only tests available at the time. maybe it would have taken 6 months, maybe 2 years...but eventually--because there were so many of them--they would be visible in the way they are today in much smaller numbers with this fancy machine & test...unless, of course, i got a miracle making the cells invisible forever :-)

dr. leber went on to explain that the good news is that when i first presented 6 months ago, my cancer cells were the size of a volleyball in terms of volume. in fact, i pretty much had more cancer cells in my body than i had good cells at the time. now, after 4 rounds of chemo, the cancer cells are the size of the tip of a ballpoint pen. he told me that the leukemia is 'manageable' but that his preference would be to proceed to a transplant since the small percentage persists & could reproduce rapidly or gradually. he said it's like the cancer cells have a hard shell on them that the chemo couldn't penetrate or break down. by 'managing' the leukemia we could keep the counts under control but i would still have cancer in my body. this isn't the option he's interested in pursuing for obvious reasons. me either, actually :-)

next, dr. leber explained that it's good news that i have a full sibling. his transplant coordinator will be calling my sister, directing her where to go to give a sample to determine if she's my molecular match. there's a 1 in 4 chance she will be since we are full siblings. the sample will be sent here where it will be tested by dr. leber's team. this will take 2-3 weeks. there are 10 criteria needed for a perfect match; 9 can be worked with. if my sister isn't a 9 or greater, dr. leber will then go to the worldwide bank, where there are millions & millions of donors. my odds of there being a match are good since i'm caucasian, but hopefully my sister will be the one who best matches me. our mom used to have matching dresses made for my sister & me; now we are praying that God made us with the matching blood :-)

there's a great deal i don't know about the whole transplant process because dr. leber says it will be 2-3 months before the transplant, but possibly sooner if my sister is a match. he assured me that we will talk about it all, & there's lots to talk about in terms of the process that will all get addressed. i do know from the literature i was given early on that a transplant means receiving healthy blood cells from a donor, and is more likely to prevent relapse & cure leukemia than just chemotherapy. so far, while i have done very well, there's more work to do. & i believe the work is still going on inside of me. it's also taking place outside of me, as a donor is searched for & my healthcare team collects all the pieces & puts them in place for my transplant. that's the good news. i will get my miracle yet, even if God decides to use medicine & treatment.

i have decided to not stress about the details because this is not my problem. & i don't mean that in a nonchalant or cavalier way, or in a way that i won't acknowledge that i need to make wise choices in terms of what i feed body & the care i take to look after myself, even though with my type of leukemia i didn't do anything to get it & i couldn't have done anything to prevent it. i still acknowledge that there's more i can do to encourage better health. but when i say this isn't my problem, i mean that i am once again reminding myself of God's ability in all of this. do i get it? not at all. but He does. He designed me & He knows what He's doing in me. the psalmist put it this way: "You shaped me first inside, then out; You formed me in my mother's womb. i thank you, God...body & soul, i am marvelously made!...You know me inside & out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how i was made, bit by bit, how i was sculpted from nothing into something. like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread before You, the days of my life all prepared before i'd even lived one day."

bottom line, God knows every bone in my body. therefore, He knows what's going on in my marrow & in my blood. & either with or without science & medicine, He's healing me. one cell at a time. in the way He knows is best for me & my future.

so, good bad news. that's better than bad good news. & it's certainly better than just bad news, even if it's not as great as only good news. but the good news is that God's got this. no matter what. has He healed me in the way i want? not yet. will He? i don't know, but i do know that doesn't mean He doesn't know what He's doing in my body & throughout this process. & really, the news was only bad yesterday because my miracle hasn't quite happened the way we all imagined. but that doesn't mean it's not happening. not for one second. every cell is accounted for, even if they're not all visible to dr. leber & his team :-)

so celebrate with me despite yesterday's 'bad' news, because the good news is that my remission is in God's capable Hand, & that's a blog entry for another time!!! :-)

God's still got this!!!

6 months ago today, at 7 pm in the evening, i was told i have acute myeloid leukemia.

tomorrow i go for my last bone marrow test results.

i don't know where the time has gone. it's crazy to me. i looked at 3 pictures of myself tonight spanning a couple years: one with big, curly hair--pre-cancer; one with no hair--mid-cancer treatment; and one with growing hair--post-chemo treatment. i couldn't help but think about the passage of time while at the same time wondering how i got here...how i have gotten through this...

there's a verse in the bible that says "time and chance happens to all." i still believe that my times are in God's Hand. my yesterday and all its mistakes are gone. my present is a gift. and tomorrow will take care of itself, with God's help. the biblical writer explains: "the fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. the wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. and those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. it is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."

i believe i am in God's place, in God's time--the right place and right time indeed...He knows best...all my fears, questions, victories...and even though i make all kinds of mistakes, He doesn't.   

i am believing for remission results tomorrow. more chemo or a transplant are also medical possibilities...but i am holding out for the miraculous...

and no matter what, God's still got this.

all the way.

i don't believe it!?! song selection means something!?!

so, i've had some time on my hands :-) back in the day, when it first began, i was an american idol fan. a few seasons in, i lost interest and only watched the audition highlights--like the 'best of' or 'worst of' episodes. this season i have been watching, because as i said, i have had some time on my hands and it gives me something to do and follow. i have become a fan because of the judges and their feedback, the performances, the singing and musical aspects, of course and--oddly enough--the song selections.

this past week, one of my audition favourites (i had 2, and they are both in the final 5--do i have an ear for music and an eye for star quality, or what?!? :-) ) made an impressive song selection by choosing to sing a song for which one of the judges is famous. the contestant sang the song almost effortlessly and to rave reviews, unlike some other contestants who severally and severely got critiqued for their song selection, in addition to their interpretation and performance. this season, the contestants seem to have often struggled with song selection and are reminded that the song matters and choosing should not be taken lightly. the song should showcase all the unique qualities of a singer's voice, indeed, but there should also be a connection. the audience should be able to tell what the song means to the singer, even if they don't know all the intimate details associated to the singer's impression of the song.

now, because you're no doubt wondering, the song was mariah carey and whitney houston's "when you believe." the contestant sang a very convincing rendition, nailing it, knocking it out of the park, leaving the other contestants in her wake. it actually brought me to tears.

which brings me to my interest and point of view.

let me explain.

there are lots of analogies out there about life and living. i often use the journey one and taking every stage in stride, or the book one and writing chapters...i'm sure you understand my point...

in this entry i'm employing the analogy that life is a song you sing. let's ignore the fact that every day could realistically be a different song (because let's be honest, that is the beauty and power of music), and assume today, right now, in this moment like it's your last, like your staying in the contest depends on the song you select and sing, and that there's one song for you to sing...for me (for the past few days) it would be "there can be miracles." the song addresses hope versus doubt (because let's be honest, sometimes we wonder if our prayers are being heard and if they will be answered, looking for proof of the same), courage versus fear (because let's be honest, sometimes i think we are afraid to ask for exactly what we want for fear of rejection, or that we will get some other modified version of what we want), resilience versus frailty (because let's be honest, sometimes we feel like we can't possibly bear it). it espouses faith and belief in the face of uncertainty and emotional upheaval. it suggests that your miracle already exists and it's yours when you believe. not if. when.

i think God has given me exactly the right amount of faith and belief to experience the miraculous. do  i believe miracles happen because of me? no, i believe God has got the miraculous covered, but He waits for evidence of faith and belief in people, however small it may seem to me. i don't think God needs much to work with...but He does want some proof that we believe...not because we consider ourselves exemplary christians or good people, but because we realize this isn't something we can do on our on. i believe i can be made well and whole...not because i can do it...but because i believe God can. there are lots of promises presented to us...not in a carrot on a stick sort of way...but in a way that let's a person know in their darkest hour there is still hope, faith, belief and there are results for engaging in any or all of them...and on the days we can't do it for ourselves, someone can believe for us. i know.

"they don't always happen when you ask,

and it's easy to give in to your fears.

but when you're blinded by your pain--

can't see your way clear through the rain--

a small, but still, resilient voice
says help is very near."

so, remember: the song you select today matters.. it matters to your health, it matters to your mind, it matters to your audience, it matters to your experience of life...and it might even matter to your survival...and whether you are on the world stage or in the quiet of your secret place, you've gotta believe it.

because there is "in our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood. now we are not afraid although we know there's much to fear. we were moving mountains long before we knew we could. there can be miracles when you believe. though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."

oh, and by the way...faith beats fear every time.

so believe it. 

and sing accordingly.

:-)

"realize every victory outright!!!"

6 months ago today, on october 17th, my journey took an unexpected turn...one i never saw coming...one that would change my life forever. i ended up in an emergency room with critically low--resuscitation level--blood counts. only days later i would receive a diagnosis of cancer in the form of acute myeloid leukemia. in the space of 10 days to 2 weeks i had 11 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia but didn't know it was leukemia.

if you've read any of my sporadic entries up to today, you will know that i have had 4 rounds of strong chemo pumped into me, at least 8 extended hospital admissions related to the chemo infusions or infections that my body couldn't fight on its own, several "why me?" days, bags and bags and bags of blood and platelet transfusions, dozens of tests and scans and ultrasounds and swabs...and, lots of victories.

there's a band that has been around for about 6 yrs who have really emerged on the music scene after their youtube video went viral last year and they appeared on a popular talk show. they do a lot of really organic, innovative stuff, popular for their unique covers and loved for their original music. their new album is titled revo, which stands for realize every victory outright.

and it's how i'm living each day...every victory gets recorded in some way and shared...a tweet, a facebook status update, a blog entry, a conversation with someone when they ask how i am...i don't take the victories lightly, however small or seemingly unremarkable; they all add up and are making me the person i need to be for the next stage of my journey.

at about this time 6 months ago, i was making my way to a walk in clinic where i would be sent for blood work and later end up in emerg. the journey has been a narrow road at times, with little flexibility when it comes to having a normal life because so much of my time is dictated by appointments, admissions, etc. at this stage of the journey i am waiting for the results from my last bone marrow test which took place last wednesday. i get the results next wednesday. i will be in one of 3 categories: in remission, in need of more chemo, or in need of a bone marrow transplant.

i believe i am being healed one cell at a time. and i am okay with that. early on i said i didn't care if i was healed from it, in it, or through it, and i still stand by that. if my miracle comes from God by way of medicine and treatment and the very best in healthcare, then that's fine. bring it on!

my point is that i still believe God has got this. all the way. down to the very last cell that needs replaced. and when i get scared about what tomorrow may bring, i am reminded about how far i have come and everything i have been protected from.

and i realize my victories through the power of prayer and positive thoughts and the miracle of medicine. my times really are in God's Hand. 6 months later, when i could have died that day, i am still here...and i have new pumas on to prove i'm in this race to win it :-)

"hit me with your best shot! fire away!" ggt!!!--part 8

there is a statement that is often said in relation to a situation...a girl who has had enough in a relationship, a disgruntled employee who has been slighted, an athlete who comes in second, a recovering addict trying to get clean, a singer who auditions but doesn't make the cut, a patient fighting a terrible disease...the statement is this: "you're not going to get the best of me." or, "i'm not going to let it get the best of me." used in this way, the statement is usually about moving on, letting go, accepting, turning the page, etc.

i was thinking about this statement in relation to my current situation. true, i can quickly and easily say to cancer, "you're not going to get the best of me," or to someone that i'm not going to let cancer get the best of me, but you know what? that's not really where i am. in fact, when i think about that statement, it better suits my journey and my headspace to say that cancer is going to get the best of me.

what do i mean?

well, basically, acute myeloid leukemia is going to get the best of me :-)

and i say that with as much defiance and determination as you can imagine.

i am finding that my fight against cancer is as much a psychological battle as it is a physical one. there's a strength that comes from being positive. in many ways, half the battle is in the mind. by the time i received my diagnosis, only days after being admitted, i actually breathed a sigh of relief because after days of tests and 'the unknown,' the 'it' finally had a name. and you can often treat something with a name. the night i got my diagnosis i decided with every fibre of my being that i was going to give leukemia a run for its money.

cancer is getting the best of me.

that doesn't mean i have given up. or that i have resigned myself to an unfightable fate. or that i just don't have it in me.

au contraire. it means i have my boxing gloves on and have come out swinging. i'm not cowering in the corner of the ring. cancer is down for the count.

cancer is getting the best of me. my best effort. my best fight. my best attempt. my best swing. my best start off the line.

i believe i am doing so well on my journey and in this fight because i made up my mind that the cancer cells that once threatened to take over my body are now being schooled by me. i am showing them who's boss. am i doing it on my own? no. i believe emphatically that this journey is going so well because i have soooo much spiritual and medical support systems at my disposal, and because i served notice on cancer, letting it know that it wasn't going to win. i let it know every day that i am in the constant motion of putting my best foot forward. every day i determine to deliver a fatal blow to leukemia...a tko, if you will :-) in other words, leukemia is facing a technical knockout from me and my support systems; cancer cannot safely continue in this match. the odds are stacked against it, and are ever in my favour.

pat benatar sang it this way: "well, you're a real tough cookie with the long history of breaking little hearts like the one in me. that's ok. let's see how you do it. put up your dukes. let's get down to it! hit me with your best shot! why don't you hit me with your best shot! hit me with your best shot! fire away! you come on with a come on. you don't fight fair. but that's ok. see if i care! knock me down. it's all in vain. i'll get right back on my feet again."

and that's my daily challenge to cancer. and it should be your challenge to whatever you're facing. go ahead, cancer. gimme all you got. take your best shot, problem. it may be well be your last.

:-)

in the middle of nowhere?

today is january 28, 2013. so far i have undergone 3 intense rounds of chemo: a week at the end of october, 5 days in december, and 5 days in january. i have one more 5 day round scheduled in february.

while the days are sometimes interminably long, the weeks and months have actually passed quite quickly. in between my second and third rounds of chemo, i had another bone marrow test. dr. leber, my hematology oncologist, told me during a checkup that i was showing 1:10,000 bad cells to good cells. he said this wasn't unusual at my stage in the journey with two more rounds of chemo to go at that point. alix, the wonderful nurse practitioner i see every time i visit the hospital--as well as when i am admitted--keeps telling me i am doing fabulously and that it seems i have become an inspiration to her other leukemia patients that she sees. i hesitate to share that kind of info because i don't want to appear as though i am tooting my own horn, but i need to give a bit of context to my blog entry this time :-)

right now, as i type, i am in oncology day services getting some blood and platelets. i'm a little low on fuel today as the chemo i received a couple of weeks ago is still at work in my body killing what cancer cells might still be there. i am feeling fine and have suffered minimally compared to some people on the same journey. my issues have been kind of secondary to the cancer and the treatment. i have escaped severe nausea, thrush, and the most common side effects. mostly my issues are fatigue and allergic reaction related, either to antibiotics or adhesives. when i visit fellow patients, i am always reminded about how well i am doing. for instance, while most people here lose weight, i have gained 10 lbs since i was admitted in october. while most people can't keep food down, even if i can't taste anything because the chemo has killed even my taste buds, i still have a healthy appetite and cravings for things that other patients wouldn't attempt to ingest. while i did lose my hair, it is showing signs of growth. while my nails have reacted to treatment by turning white and blotchy, at least i don't have the neuropathy that many patients experience. and while i have down times, i'm mostly 'up.'

i just saw alix. she just told me that her other patients that i have met are taking some cues from me, even if it means forcing themselves to get up and get mobile, smile more, worry less, and be more positive. i never thought i would be a poster child for fighting cancer but it seems i am. alix says i have become "the expert" since i have wholly embraced my journey and refuse to let it beat me.

embraced the journey you question? yes. i have. but that doesn't mean i don't often feel like i am in the middle of nowhere...

which is an interesting place to be--the middle of nowhere--a misnomer if you will, because even though it feels like nowhere, it's always actually somewhere. some days i feel like i'm in some liminal space, or worse, limbo...on the cusp of either being sick or well, or in a holding pattern where progress seems like something i have to work harder at today than i had to yesterday.

but the thing is--and this is no new or deep revelation--nothing is something and nowhere is somewhere. when my blood work comes back and there's nothing to report, that "nothing to report" is a good thing. "unremarkable" and "boring" are good words to hear on my journey. "uneventful" is ok sometimes. the feeling like you're not going anywhere is to be expected on the days when you just want the journey to be over because you've reached your destination...but i think the middle of nowhere is right where you need to be to keep going, because once in the middle, you only have half the distance left to go and half the battle left to fight.

more than the lack that is suggested by the middle of nowhere, i am discovering on my journey that deep meaning can be deduced during the down times where not much seems to be happening, and those nondescript occurrences have the tendency of becoming defining moments. your middle of nowhere is hardly the end; it's transitional. and the nothing that you think is happening couldn't be further from the truth. chances are, you're farther along than you realize and you've made great strides that have not gone unnoticed.

on the quiet, uneventful, unremarkable, middle of nowhere days, i am reminding myself that if nothing else, i am already halfway there.

and so are you.

the remoteness or bleakness suggested by being in that state of nowhere is temporary because chances are you're merely off the beaten path...and that's ok because sometimes taking the less traveled path will give you original and authentic experiences, and your breakthrough or destination is right on the horizon.

embrace it.