"realize every victory outright!!!"

6 months ago today, on october 17th, my journey took an unexpected turn...one i never saw coming...one that would change my life forever. i ended up in an emergency room with critically low--resuscitation level--blood counts. only days later i would receive a diagnosis of cancer in the form of acute myeloid leukemia. in the space of 10 days to 2 weeks i had 11 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia but didn't know it was leukemia.

if you've read any of my sporadic entries up to today, you will know that i have had 4 rounds of strong chemo pumped into me, at least 8 extended hospital admissions related to the chemo infusions or infections that my body couldn't fight on its own, several "why me?" days, bags and bags and bags of blood and platelet transfusions, dozens of tests and scans and ultrasounds and swabs...and, lots of victories.

there's a band that has been around for about 6 yrs who have really emerged on the music scene after their youtube video went viral last year and they appeared on a popular talk show. they do a lot of really organic, innovative stuff, popular for their unique covers and loved for their original music. their new album is titled revo, which stands for realize every victory outright.

and it's how i'm living each day...every victory gets recorded in some way and shared...a tweet, a facebook status update, a blog entry, a conversation with someone when they ask how i am...i don't take the victories lightly, however small or seemingly unremarkable; they all add up and are making me the person i need to be for the next stage of my journey.

at about this time 6 months ago, i was making my way to a walk in clinic where i would be sent for blood work and later end up in emerg. the journey has been a narrow road at times, with little flexibility when it comes to having a normal life because so much of my time is dictated by appointments, admissions, etc. at this stage of the journey i am waiting for the results from my last bone marrow test which took place last wednesday. i get the results next wednesday. i will be in one of 3 categories: in remission, in need of more chemo, or in need of a bone marrow transplant.

i believe i am being healed one cell at a time. and i am okay with that. early on i said i didn't care if i was healed from it, in it, or through it, and i still stand by that. if my miracle comes from God by way of medicine and treatment and the very best in healthcare, then that's fine. bring it on!

my point is that i still believe God has got this. all the way. down to the very last cell that needs replaced. and when i get scared about what tomorrow may bring, i am reminded about how far i have come and everything i have been protected from.

and i realize my victories through the power of prayer and positive thoughts and the miracle of medicine. my times really are in God's Hand. 6 months later, when i could have died that day, i am still here...and i have new pumas on to prove i'm in this race to win it :-)

"hit me with your best shot! fire away!" ggt!!!--part 8

there is a statement that is often said in relation to a situation...a girl who has had enough in a relationship, a disgruntled employee who has been slighted, an athlete who comes in second, a recovering addict trying to get clean, a singer who auditions but doesn't make the cut, a patient fighting a terrible disease...the statement is this: "you're not going to get the best of me." or, "i'm not going to let it get the best of me." used in this way, the statement is usually about moving on, letting go, accepting, turning the page, etc.

i was thinking about this statement in relation to my current situation. true, i can quickly and easily say to cancer, "you're not going to get the best of me," or to someone that i'm not going to let cancer get the best of me, but you know what? that's not really where i am. in fact, when i think about that statement, it better suits my journey and my headspace to say that cancer is going to get the best of me.

what do i mean?

well, basically, acute myeloid leukemia is going to get the best of me :-)

and i say that with as much defiance and determination as you can imagine.

i am finding that my fight against cancer is as much a psychological battle as it is a physical one. there's a strength that comes from being positive. in many ways, half the battle is in the mind. by the time i received my diagnosis, only days after being admitted, i actually breathed a sigh of relief because after days of tests and 'the unknown,' the 'it' finally had a name. and you can often treat something with a name. the night i got my diagnosis i decided with every fibre of my being that i was going to give leukemia a run for its money.

cancer is getting the best of me.

that doesn't mean i have given up. or that i have resigned myself to an unfightable fate. or that i just don't have it in me.

au contraire. it means i have my boxing gloves on and have come out swinging. i'm not cowering in the corner of the ring. cancer is down for the count.

cancer is getting the best of me. my best effort. my best fight. my best attempt. my best swing. my best start off the line.

i believe i am doing so well on my journey and in this fight because i made up my mind that the cancer cells that once threatened to take over my body are now being schooled by me. i am showing them who's boss. am i doing it on my own? no. i believe emphatically that this journey is going so well because i have soooo much spiritual and medical support systems at my disposal, and because i served notice on cancer, letting it know that it wasn't going to win. i let it know every day that i am in the constant motion of putting my best foot forward. every day i determine to deliver a fatal blow to leukemia...a tko, if you will :-) in other words, leukemia is facing a technical knockout from me and my support systems; cancer cannot safely continue in this match. the odds are stacked against it, and are ever in my favour.

pat benatar sang it this way: "well, you're a real tough cookie with the long history of breaking little hearts like the one in me. that's ok. let's see how you do it. put up your dukes. let's get down to it! hit me with your best shot! why don't you hit me with your best shot! hit me with your best shot! fire away! you come on with a come on. you don't fight fair. but that's ok. see if i care! knock me down. it's all in vain. i'll get right back on my feet again."

and that's my daily challenge to cancer. and it should be your challenge to whatever you're facing. go ahead, cancer. gimme all you got. take your best shot, problem. it may be well be your last.

:-)

in the middle of nowhere?

today is january 28, 2013. so far i have undergone 3 intense rounds of chemo: a week at the end of october, 5 days in december, and 5 days in january. i have one more 5 day round scheduled in february.

while the days are sometimes interminably long, the weeks and months have actually passed quite quickly. in between my second and third rounds of chemo, i had another bone marrow test. dr. leber, my hematology oncologist, told me during a checkup that i was showing 1:10,000 bad cells to good cells. he said this wasn't unusual at my stage in the journey with two more rounds of chemo to go at that point. alix, the wonderful nurse practitioner i see every time i visit the hospital--as well as when i am admitted--keeps telling me i am doing fabulously and that it seems i have become an inspiration to her other leukemia patients that she sees. i hesitate to share that kind of info because i don't want to appear as though i am tooting my own horn, but i need to give a bit of context to my blog entry this time :-)

right now, as i type, i am in oncology day services getting some blood and platelets. i'm a little low on fuel today as the chemo i received a couple of weeks ago is still at work in my body killing what cancer cells might still be there. i am feeling fine and have suffered minimally compared to some people on the same journey. my issues have been kind of secondary to the cancer and the treatment. i have escaped severe nausea, thrush, and the most common side effects. mostly my issues are fatigue and allergic reaction related, either to antibiotics or adhesives. when i visit fellow patients, i am always reminded about how well i am doing. for instance, while most people here lose weight, i have gained 10 lbs since i was admitted in october. while most people can't keep food down, even if i can't taste anything because the chemo has killed even my taste buds, i still have a healthy appetite and cravings for things that other patients wouldn't attempt to ingest. while i did lose my hair, it is showing signs of growth. while my nails have reacted to treatment by turning white and blotchy, at least i don't have the neuropathy that many patients experience. and while i have down times, i'm mostly 'up.'

i just saw alix. she just told me that her other patients that i have met are taking some cues from me, even if it means forcing themselves to get up and get mobile, smile more, worry less, and be more positive. i never thought i would be a poster child for fighting cancer but it seems i am. alix says i have become "the expert" since i have wholly embraced my journey and refuse to let it beat me.

embraced the journey you question? yes. i have. but that doesn't mean i don't often feel like i am in the middle of nowhere...

which is an interesting place to be--the middle of nowhere--a misnomer if you will, because even though it feels like nowhere, it's always actually somewhere. some days i feel like i'm in some liminal space, or worse, limbo...on the cusp of either being sick or well, or in a holding pattern where progress seems like something i have to work harder at today than i had to yesterday.

but the thing is--and this is no new or deep revelation--nothing is something and nowhere is somewhere. when my blood work comes back and there's nothing to report, that "nothing to report" is a good thing. "unremarkable" and "boring" are good words to hear on my journey. "uneventful" is ok sometimes. the feeling like you're not going anywhere is to be expected on the days when you just want the journey to be over because you've reached your destination...but i think the middle of nowhere is right where you need to be to keep going, because once in the middle, you only have half the distance left to go and half the battle left to fight.

more than the lack that is suggested by the middle of nowhere, i am discovering on my journey that deep meaning can be deduced during the down times where not much seems to be happening, and those nondescript occurrences have the tendency of becoming defining moments. your middle of nowhere is hardly the end; it's transitional. and the nothing that you think is happening couldn't be further from the truth. chances are, you're farther along than you realize and you've made great strides that have not gone unnoticed.

on the quiet, uneventful, unremarkable, middle of nowhere days, i am reminding myself that if nothing else, i am already halfway there.

and so are you.

the remoteness or bleakness suggested by being in that state of nowhere is temporary because chances are you're merely off the beaten path...and that's ok because sometimes taking the less traveled path will give you original and authentic experiences, and your breakthrough or destination is right on the horizon.

embrace it.

yolo? oh no!: ggt!!!--part 7

the following is taken from cbc.ca, at http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2012/12/31/banned-words.html

"'Fiscal cliff' and 'spoiler alert' are among the words and phrases that have landed on the 38th annual List of Words to be Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness as decreed by Michigan Lake Superior State University.

Other top banished words and phrases include:

• Bucket list.
• Double down.
• Trending.
• Superfood.
• Boneless wings.
• Guru.
• Job creators and job creation.
• Passion and passionate.
• YOLO.

Released annually, in tongue-in-cheek fashion, the list contains words or phrases nominated by people from all over the world."

2 points to note: i'm no poster child christian, and i don't want to be reincarnated :-)

and another point--the purpose of this blog entry--i disagree with the last banished word/phrase, so i'm quite happy it made the list.

yolo, in texting language, stands for 'you only live once.'

i don't believe you only live once. the bible says each day is new and a fresh start. i believe each day is a chance to live. again. if yesterday was a right off, you can amend any wrongs, make restitution if necessary, and start over.

each day is a clean slate begging for your penmanship.

i get the phrase; it's not that it's incorrect, but it's not entirely accurate either. we do only live once in the physical sense. we have one body and one life to live (was that a soap opera? a soap opera that made at least one correct claim?!? :-) ) anyway, in a real way, we live once and have one life. but, we literally have the chance to live again each day that we're alive. each day is another opportunity for moments that matter...not just minutes on a clock, but moments. this concept of moments versus minutes is taken from a home going celebration message that i heard my pastor back home give one time. he was much more thorough and spiritual but his message stuck and means more than ever to me these days as i fight for my life. certainly, my days are filled with minutes as i pass the time until the next test, exam, bone marrow aspiration, round of chemo, etc., but i am making a more concerted attempt at achieving moments and not just marking off the minutes--even on days like today when it seems like all i do is watch the clock and count the days until i'm discharged from the hospital...because today's moments are tomorrow's memories and i want to make sure i have lots of positive in my conscience (and subconscious) cache of concerns :-)

nicki minaj has a song called "moments 4 life." i'm no loyal fan, but i do feel a certain allegiance to some of the lyrics:

"i fly with the stars in the skies
i am no longer trying to survive

i believe that life is a prize

but to live doesn't mean you're alive...

in this very moment i slay goliath with the sling...

no, i'm not lucky, i'm blessed, yes

clap for the heavy weight champ, me

but i couldn't do it all alone, we...

i wish that i could have this moment

for life, for life, for life

'cause in this moment i just feel so

alive, alive, alive"

and to qualify the above usage, i agree that drawing breath doesn't mean i'm really living--those are just minutes on the clock. making moments and memories? that's living, and not just surviving or existing. and i believe i can have this moment for life...this moment where--despite, and in the face, of my temporary condition--i realize each and every day that i am alive...and i don't believe i have ever felt more alive, regardless of what's going on in my body.

on this day, january 14, 2013, i am currently admitted to the juravinski for more chemo treatment. i am in part 2 of my consolidation cycle (not including my initial 7 day induction cycle), with one more to go in february. after that, my team will decide if chemo has done what it needed to do or if i require more chemo or possibly a bone marrow transplant. in the meantime, i'm not just playing the waiting game, but the living game. and at the end of this game there will be a prize, and i am believing with every fibre and cell of my being like the narrator in victor hugo's les miserables states that "faith brings health."

i have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. and as my body physically allows, i am living every day, doing my best to make moments and not just mark off minutes. i'm not just living once, but every single day, with every single breath.

i dare you to do the same.

because God's got this!!!