ggt!!!--part 3

"my times are in God's hand" (ps. 31:15).

i wasn't at the oakville trafalgar hospital long. dr. lee said they were transferring me to the best cancer facility in the country--the juravinski cancer centre. this would take place the next day--october 24. i was admitted under the care of oncology hematologist dr. brian leber, and nurse practitioner alix duck. i spoke at length with alix--actually, she did most of the speaking :-) she told me that they were on my case and were going to take good care of me. she explained that they would need to run a few more tests on my organs and get my weight and height. this would determine the chemo dosage they would administer. she said they wanted to get things going in the next 24 hours or so...and they did. thursday night, 2 days after i was diagnosed, i began an aggressive 24/7 chemo treatment. i would receive a drug called daunorubicin for 30 minutes for 3 days and the drug cytarabine 24 hours a day for 7 days. this was the beginning of my induction therapy--the first 30 days of treatment and monitoring for infections. it was explained to me that i would be required to remain in hospital the entire time as they work to bring about remission because there are too many risks in leaving...

which was fine by me. already, i felt so safe and cared for in the hour i had been here. everyone on my case knew everything about it. they looked me in the eye when they spoke to me without having to awkwardly thumb through pages of tests and results to be able to talk to me about my cancer. their competency and confidence here is remarkable. their care and compassion and willingness to accommodate is almost unsettling when you're used to being fiercely independent. they answer the questions i can't think to ask. they are on top of every symptom and side effect. they go out of their way to make sure my comfort level is high no matter how low my condition is. because this centre is so focused on cancer treatment, everyone is doing just that...caring for cancer patients to the enth degree...each nurse typically has no more than 4 other patients during their shift so when needed, they can quickly come. my doctors are kind and certain. my nurse practitioner is in to see me a couple times a day, and actually works more directly with me than the doctors, and is so sure about what she's doing that i'm always put at ease when i've seen her. in short, this is an amazing centre...and i can't help but think about how God has directed my steps to this day..."the Lord is my shepherd; i have all i need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths" (ps. 23).

they use a garden analogy here at the jcc. basically, my garden was overrun with weeds which needed to be wiped out. leukemia is a a cancer of the white blood cells (also called neutrophils) which begins in the bone marrow where cells are made. white blood cells help the body fight germs and prevent infections and diseases and are part of the immune system. leukemia causes these cells to grow quickly and multiply out of control. additionally, these cells are not fully formed and are not able to do the work of mature white blood cells. the abnormal white blood cells build up in the bone marrow and spill over into the blood stream. in the blood, the abnormal white cells crowd out the normal cells. as a result, the blood does not contain enough healthy red blood cells and platelets. and this was exactly my problem. with my lack of red blood cells and platelets, and copious amount of unhealthy white blood cells, i had about 10 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia.

let me interject at this point to say that i haven't 'claimed' this disease. i believe that at any point i can be made well and whole...it could happen today...or perhaps i will have to go through the entire process. i don't know. i still believe that at any point God could heal me in the process, but it seems like He's healing me through the process. just because He happens to be using the brilliance and brains of doctors and medicine doesn't mean i'm not getting my miracle. in my last blog entry i referred to a verse that says God goes before me and He follows me. i believe He had already started on my garden before the first bag of chemo was hung, and i feel strongly that He's been in weeding and planting ever since. my miracle won't be any less of a miracle just because God decided to use the advancements of medicine and cancer treatment to bring it to pass.

so while my garden was growing uncontrollable weeds, for a few weeks prior and in staggered degrees of severity, i was experiencing the following symptoms: shortness of breath, fast heart beat, feeling tired, looking pale, generally feeling unwell, night sweats, fever, easy bruising, bleeding from nose and gums, bone pain. the only symptoms i hadn't displayed were weight loss, infections, and blood in stool (sorry, but this is real life now :-) ). i was a classic case of acute myeloid leukemia...except that i am a bit young to be getting it. aml typically affects adults above 40 years, and 1/3 are over 60 years of age. it's acute because it worsens quickly. what it is not is infectious, inherited, or caused by something i did or didn't do; the handbooks say there was no way i could have prevented getting it. in some ways, it was just meant to be...

and it was.

this time in my life is in God's hand. and He's leading and guiding all the way.

because He has got this.

ggt!!!--part 2

"God goes before me and He follows me" (ps. 139:5).

my life's journey took an unexpected but totally planned and not unguided turn on oct. 17 when a caring walk-in clinic doctor called at 6:33 pm and told me to get to the hospital. when my roommate got me to the hospital, literally just in time, she watched in shock as the er and triage nurses said i was coding and they needed to get me to the resuscitation room. the walk-in clinic doctor who said my hemoglobin was low had called it correctly only hours earlier. my hemoglobin level was at 40. a normal, healthy count starts at 120. no wonder i thought i needed a puffer. i was in fact suffocating to death--not because of my lungs, but because of my blood. my red blood cells, which carry oxygen to every part of the body, were so low that basically my body wasn't breathing. over the next 8 hours i would be admitted to the milton district hospital and would receive 4 units of blood, each taking about 2 hours to transfuse.

i was in the milton hospital for a little over 4 days--from wednesday to monday. during this time, i received more blood and platelet transfusions. at times my platelets--the blood clotting agents in the body--were as low as 8 and a normal count is well over a hundred. i also had tons of blood taken and tests run. you name it, they scanned it, rayed it, sounded it...heart, lungs, organs, head...everything kept coming back normal. the internal medicine doctor on my case told me a couple of days in that they were looking for something autoimmune, infectious, or blood borne. on saturday i was told about the possibility of a blood cancer, but not to worry because all of the other things they were looking for hadn't been ruled out. i didn't know yet, but the walk-in clinic doctor had actually mentioned to hollie what she thought it might be--she wouldn't be wrong...

because so much was being ruled out, the internist on my case--who was in communication with a hematologist at the next hospital i would be admitted to--said that a bone marrow test was scheduled for monday because this would give them more possibilities about what we were dealing with. monday came and just as the procedure was scheduled to take place, the internist came in my room and said that the hematologist he had been speaking to at the oakville trafalgar hospital wanted to do the test herself. this would mean a transfer as soon as a bed became available.

the next day i found out i would be going to oakville trafalgar hospital. the transfer took place at 11 am. i was admitted at noon and by 1:10 pm, dr. lee--the first hematologist on my case--came like a whirlwind into my room carrying the bone marrow test tray. this was how i met her...blazing in and all business...i was quite worked up about having the procedure done, and they did give me ativan and morphine, but dr. lee said we were racing against the clock and the test had to get done before the drugs would kick in. she had to get the samples quickly so that they could be sent to hamilton (to the hospital i would end up going to for my treatment), and this had to happen before 2 pm. other than the freezing that was administered, i was aware of EVERYTHING. there were 2 kinds of sensation--pressure and pain. the pressure was a pumping kind, like my hip bone was being drilled into, and while it didn't hurt, the feeling was nauseating. the pain sensation? well that was something else. everytime dr. lee told me to take a deep breath, there was a plunging and permeating pain in my hip. the procedure takes about 10 minutes. it was a long 10 minutes.

but i made it through it :-) the dr and nurses said i did wonderfully, but i think they were just being kind. dr. lee raced from the room with my samples and i was left to 'get comfortable.' yeah right. after a bone marrow test :-) anyway, apparently my samples made it to hamilton because i received my diagnosis at 7 pm that evening, october 23, 2012,. dr. lee came in with the news--acute myeloid leukemia.

i. have. cancer. it took a few minutes to sink in...

i have to tell you, though, it was a veritable relief when the diagnosis came, because now it had a name...it was something that could be prayed for and treated. the big question was answered and now we could move forward...

speaking of moving forward, my story will pick up in the next blog entry, but i will end with this: "God directs my steps, so why try to understand everything along the way" (pro. 20:24). this doesn't mean i can't ask God why, because believe me, i have. on the contrary, i think it means with the asking i must also be willing to trust that even though i don't fully understand, i can trust God to get me through the journey. do i 'get' it? not quite. do i understand? not entirely. but i'm starting to. my every step is being directed and though directionally challenged, my faith is not. i have peace in this process because i know this journey isn't a generic, one-size-fits-all journey. rather, my journey was designed with me and only me in mind. this time was designed specifically for me. "God made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb...God watched me as i was being formed...He saw me before i was born. every day of my life was recorded...every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (ps. 139).

God knew this day would come--october 23, 2012--acute myeloid leukemia.

and i know God has got this!!!

ggt!!!--part 1

"God knows the way i take" (job 23:10).

you know that thing you know you should do but you never do? yeah...that thing...i'll preface this by saying that you should probably do it...maybe even today...

let me catch you up...

my journey begins october 17th...actually, it begins about a week before, and likely even some time before that. my alarm went off at the usual time for work, but when my feet hit the floor i felt 'off.' i made an attempt to get ready for work that didn't last long. by 7:30 i had called in to say i thought i had a bronchial issue. for the entire week prior i had been experiencing a tightness in my chest, dry cough, and shortness of breath. going up sets of stairs was an effort, leaving me winded. going outside in the cool air made me cough uncontrollably. and constantly i had a tightness that made me feel i had to take deep breaths to be able to breathe. i was positive i needed a puffer. and i knew i needed to see a doctor for that to happen--that thing i never do...

that morning, i went to the walk-in clinic and explained everything i was feeling to a wonderful walk-in clinic doctor (who i am trying to secure as my family doctor because she played an essential part in saving my life). i gave her all my symptoms and told her my self diagnosis. she checked me all over and said, "i don't believe it's your lungs, dear. i believe it's your hemoglobin." she did give me a script for a puffer, but also sent me to a nearby lab for blood work and an ecg and told me to come see her on friday or saturday because she would have the results by then.

i have a weak constitution; it doesn't take much to make me pass out and the thought of blood work gave me that numbing sensation, but i went and had it done. on my way back to the house, i decided to stop at shopper's drug mart and have the puffer script filled. while i was waiting for it, i got lightheaded and recognized all my signs of passing out--tunnel vision, dulled hearing, complete weakness...i made my way to a self service blood pressure kiosk and sat down...and blacked out. i thought it was just from being weak from the blood work so i was just going to take myself home. however, i had somehow managed to lose my keys in the process. the pharmacist who found me and assisted me said i shouldn't drive, but i had all intentions of doing just that once i got away from him, so God must have had a hand in making sure i couldn't find my keys :-) fortunately, a neighbor was able to come and get me. she wanted to take me to emerg but i refused, insisting that i had only passed out and needed to sleep. against her better judgment she took me home.

i slept all afternoon. when my roommate (who i also credit for saving my life) got home from work, she said we should go to emerg. again i refused and told her i just needed sleep and gatorade. she said she would go to shopper's and get me some. while she was out, she went to the walk-in clinic and asked to speak to the doctor. certainly the only reason this was allowed was because she knows the receptionist there. with the exception made, the doctor came out and when hollie described me to the doctor, she knew exactly who hollie was talking about and said i needed to go to emerg once she found out about my passing out episode. she also told hollie that i was very ill...days later hollie would tell me what the doctor suspected was wrong with me...remember that the blood work wasn't supposed to come back until friday...

the house is about 5 mins from the clinic and shopper's. in the time it took hollie to drive from there to the house, i had a missed called from dr. milanthi (days later i would realize i had a voicemail from her which i have saved and listened to several times because of the role dr. milanthi played in my journey to wellness). not reaching me, the doctor's next step was to get hollie's number from the receptionist since i hadn't listed anyone as a contact on my file. when hollie walked in to my bedroom she was on the phone with the doctor and was saying we had to go to emerg immediately. dr. milanthi asked to speak to me and when i took the phone she said, "teri, i just received your blood work results after hollie left. your blood is critically low. you must go to the hospital now. do not delay."

with some effort, hollie got me to the car--i'm still struggling to breathe, even going down sets of stairs. i'm slow moving and lightheaded and i think i recognize the signs suffocating to death. and i know something is wrong. 2 minutes later we arrive at the hospital. i remember opening the car door, putting my feet on the ground, standing...and that's it. the next time i come around, i am in a resuscitation room in a johnny shirt with oxygen on, with more nurses and aides around me than i can count. a nurse is on either side of me asking each other if the other one has found a line yet, 2 are at my feet saying i have a large hematoma on my shin forming, another is monitoring numbers on a machine, and someone is waiting to take blood samples...

my journey had quickly entered the next phase...

i'll stop at this point in my telling because i've decided to break my journey up into sections, but before i do, i want to say that nothing happens by chance. nothing. i don't believe in coincidence, wheels of fortune, or luck. sure, things happen at the same time, but nothing happens by chance. i believe things happen for a reason and on this journey called life we have starts and stops and detours...and perhaps a bit of backtracking when we don't follow the directions. but i don't believe roads are random...

i'm naturally a directionally challenged person. east, west, north, and south don't mean much to me, but i do know that when i get in a vehicle i'm always going in a direction. i might not know where i am going, but i trust that i will get to my destination...starts, stops, detours, backtracking included--they're all part of the destination and i will get to where i am going. job, a guy in the bible, said he went east, west, north, and south on his journey, and even though he didn't know where he was going, he knew God did.

i believe my steps are divinely ordered...this includes my starts and my stops. ggt!!! to explain, for those of you who don't know, i had my good friend terri text me the statement "God's got this" early on in my journey. i started using it in my daily facebook updates and a cousin shortened it to "ggt" one day. it has stuck and been repeated ever since, and has become my motto because i really do believe that He has got this thing all the way!