happy new year--2013!!!

i challenge you to expect extraordinary moments and eternal blessings in 2013...may your efforts be concentrated and concerted...pursue and accept nothing but the very best for your life--even in the face of what appears unlikely or maybe even impossible--and relentlessly push back, push the envelope, and with God's grace, push yourself to the limit of yourself...because in that moment your weaknesses will be replaced by a strength that will carry you through...

and remember, there's nothing ahead of you--no fork or detour in the road--that you can't handle...

because God's got this!!!

wishing you all the happiest and healthiest year ever!!!

dying to live: ggt!!!--part 6

i am dying to live.

i might have written about this from a different angle before, but this statement has a new meaning for me...

for 7 days straight, 24 hours a day, i received aggressive chemo treatment back in november. about 30 days later i received 3 more rounds of aggressive chemo over 5 days. i will again early on in january and again in february of 2013.

chemo kills all the bad cells that are in my body, in the same way that pesticide kills weeds in a garden. unfortunately, even with all the advancements in cancer treatment, we haven't found a way to only kill the bad weeds. chemo also kills the good growth, wiping out the good with the bad. every round of chemo--basically the injection of pesticides into my body--brings my body to a zero state of immunity and there are great risks of infection that my body isn't equipped to fight in that state.

i am literally dying to live.

this statement has a spiritual element, of course, because every day we need to fight off the bad that threatens to destroy our lives. the devil, even if you choose to believe he doesn't actually exist, he be out ta do bad stuff--cause harmful addictions, create painful relationships, ruin healthy homes, make good people do bad things...so everyday we ought to be doing all we can to protect ourselves by putting God and good first...it's easy to get distracted when you think you are invincible, but diligence and vigilance ensures a better rate of success and survival :-)

aside from the spiritual, in another life versus death battle, every day i am dying to live as my body goes through the process of having all the bad weeds overtaking my garden wiped out, along with what healthy, good growth was there. brought to a zero state of immunity, my body, my mind, my spirit all have a choice to make: fight or flight. diligently and vigilantly stay the course and get the seed packets out and start sprinkling...or tossing by handfuls!...or pack up the gardening tools and miracle grow and give up.

i choose life.

i choose the struggles and the victories of every seed planted and the chance for new growth and life.

because in this process--with every round of aggressive treatment, with every day i wake up, with every side effect that i can see when i look in the mirror and those i can't --i am reminded that my life requires death. my living requires dying. the bad has to go so the good can have a chance to regrow, stronger, healthier, in copious amounts, able to take up all of the soil in my garden so that the bad doesn't stand a chance.

and in this process of dying, as it were, i get to see the miracle of growth when the nurse or doctor hands me a piece of paper that has higher numbers on it today than it did yesterday...i get to see the miracle of growth in my garden when zeroes in my blood count become tens, and twenties, and fifties, and eighties, and higher...i get to see the miracle of growth when the little fuzzy hairs on my bald head stick it out after a round of chemo and are a half of a milimetre longer...i get to see the miracle of growth when cultures and chemistries and scans and procedures come back negative or positive when they need to depending on the test because the killing and planting has been successful...

i get to see the miracle of life after death on a regular basis because i am dying to live. 

and this garden, this mind, this spirit, this body chooses life.

because God's got this!!!

ggt!!!--part 5

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

brown paper packages tied up with strings

these are a few of my favourite things!

cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels

doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings

these are a few of my favourite things!

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes

silver white winters that melt into spring

these are a few of my favourite things!

when the dog bites, when the bee stings

when i'm feeling sad, 

i simply remember my favourite things

and then i don't feel so bad!

christmas is my favourite time of the year. boney m, kenny and dolly, alabama, mariah carey, and the vince guaraldi trio (aka the charlie brown christmas soundtrack) are some of my favourite albums. a charlie brown christmas, the first and second home alones, road to avonlea christmas, rudolph the red nosed reindeer, santa clause is comin' to town, different editions of a christmas carol (but especially the 1951 version titled scrooge), and it's christmastime again, charlie brown are some of my favourite christmas shows. when dad didn't have to plow snow on christmas eve or christmas day. christmas eve service at my church. christmas eve and christmas day spent with family. christmas dinner and leftovers. turkey tacos with friends. these are a few of my favourite things. growing up, my parents knew how to make it memorable by giving my sister and me some of the things we asked for, as well as our fair share of bang-on surprises--things we never thought to ask for, but that they knew we'd love. we never really believed in santa because our parents didn't want my sister and me to be disappointed when we asked for things they couldn't conceivably afford. they made sure we knew that the meaning of christmas far exceeded gift giving and trees and decorations...it's about a baby born in a manger, who suffered for my healing and who died to take away my sins...check this link out: linus' explanation of the meaning of christmas.

this year was going to be different from last year. just starting a new job, i was the low woman on the gfs roster, with no seniority because i had only started working there nov. 28th--which means i had to work christmas eve and boxing day. by extension, it also meant i wouldn't make it home for christmas for the first time in my life. i have a great group of friends here who are like family, so all my people back home and i dealt with it and connected online over the holidays. this year i made sure i put in for time off around christmas so that i could make it home, and i had managed to secure 6 days off. it would be a wonderful time!

however, life doesn't always go as planned...

if you've been reading along, you'll know that i have a recent leukemia diagnosis. i am getting amazing, world renowned care and treatment where i am...but it means i won't be going home for christmas...i won't be with my folks, and sister, and niece, and extended family, and friends back home...this sucks royally, but again, i am with friends who are like family here and i will connect with my loved ones back home...but i won't lie; i am going to miss everyone and everything back home that makes christmas christmas.

we're making the best of a bad situation. all of us. it's not easy and it sometimes doesn't seem fair, but remembering my favourite things helps (my folks, my sister, my niece, my family, my friends), my next visit home, everyone here...yeah...i'm remembering all my favourite things because it could be soooo much different for me...i am blessed.

as i write this today, i am back in the hospital because i developed a sore throat and a bit of a fever several days ago. i have been admitted since thursday and the goal is to get me out by monday...it's
looking good as far as the numbers are concerned, and the fact that my sore throat is gone...dr. leber and my nurse practitioner alix think monday shouldn't be a problem as long as i don't spike a fever...so i'm praying to that end.

the song i started with is one of my christmas faves...and is even more so this year...in a way, the dog has bitten, the bee has stung, and i have felt sad over the past couple of months...but at this time of my life, and during this season, i am remembering my favourite things and in doing so i am not feeling so bad!

happy christmas and merry new year indeed, everyone!!!

because God's got this!!!

ggt!!!--part 4

i was admitted to the world renown juravinski cancer centre on oct. 24 after having my first bone marrow test the day before at the oakville-trafalgar hospital, and getting my diagnosis that evening (oct. 23). upon admission i met alix duck, the wonderful nurse practitioner whose daily care i have been under since the 24th. she's the closest one can be to being a dr without being a dr...and she's wonderful! so confident and compassionate and caring. her confidence in my care makes it impossible to feel anything other than safe and cared for. in fact, that's the kind of care i've received from every nurse and dr and nurse's aide and environmental aide...everyone is sooo positive and encouraging and accommodating! bottom line, everyone here at the juravinski goes out of their way to administer top notch care; attention is never divided and you're made to feel that you're the only patient in their care.

upon admission, alix asked me what i knew about my admission here. i told her i knew i was here to receive 30 days of chemo treatment and monitoring for infection. she elaborated by explaining that my chemo treatment would begin the next evening once tests had been done to see what kind of treatment i could handle. over the next 24 hours they would determine that my chemo treatment would be 24 hours a day, for 7 days. for 3 days for 30 minutes i would receive a drug called daunorubicin. i would also be receiving the drug cytarabine 24 hours a day for 7 days. because i have youth and health on my side, they felt strongly that i could handle aggressive treatment. the evening of my admission i also met my hematology oncologist, dr. brian leber--a soft spoken, brilliant man of medicine doing world renown cancer research and treatment. with every meeting and every person, i had the recurring feeling that i was in good hands...not to mention the fact that i feel strongly that God's hand is guiding everyone here :-) after all, this time in my life is in His hand :-)

a little more than 48 hours after receiving my diagnosis of acute myeloid leukemia my treatment began. i got chemo for 24/7. my side effects were minimal. i didn't suffer from the very common nausea side effect and i didn't throw up once--in fact, my appetite really only got a bit smaller, but i still got hungry and had cravings :-) i eventually lost my hair, i had some bowel issues, i lost my sense of taste, and i had a touch of mucositis, but i came through the treatment largely unscathed compared to some people.

like my oncology team predicted, my numbers went up and down and i occasionally required blood and platelet transfusions, and occasionally they would give me something to lower my phosphorus or raise my potassium, for instance, but after my numbers dropped they started to come back up. on day 18 the dr came in my room at 11:30 in the morning to give me the results of my second bone marrow test and he said my numbers were coming up days earlier than usual. i was showing increases on day 18 that they normally don't start seeing until day 22. he said my body was beginning to reproduce healthy white cells which was the goal since my body was previously only producing useless, baby white cells called blasts (which don't do anything except take up space in the bone marrow, forcing healthy red blood cells and platelets out into my blood stream). he also said that they don't typically see post inductive chemo patients eating greasy chicken wings from kfc at 11:30 am like i was that morning :-) he said, "you are motoring through this," and he knocked on wood. this was on nov. 11. what he may or may not know--or be willing to admit--is that God has got this :-)

around the middle of november, i did spike a fever which required some antibiotics. unfortunately, over the course of a week or a bit less, i had 2 bad reactions to 2 antibiotics--meropenem and cipro--so bad that i had 3 different rashes and because my platelets were so low i also bled into the rashes--something called petechial hemorrhaging. it was pretty ugly looking. i created some interest and had a couple infectious disease doctors in to see me, and they came with some pharmacists...and they asked to take pictures :-) pretty sure my backside is going to end up in a medical journal somewhere :-) during this time, arrangements were also made for an allergist to come in and test me for the family of antibiotics i wa reacting to, as well as for penicillin since we didn't know for sure where i stood with that allergy. we found out that i am not allergic to the family of drugs that meropenem is from, nor am i allergic to penicillin any longer, opening up the antibiotic possibilities for the team caring for me. a third attempt at an antibiotic proved a charm; i successfully responded to tazocin and over the next couple of weeks the side effects of my reaction gradually went away--with the help of lots of benedryl to minimize the itch :-)

i was due to get out friday, nov. 23, but on tuesday evening, nov. 20, dr. walker--the head of hematology here--came into my room and said, "how do you feel about getting out tomorrow? there's no reason for you to be here any longer." he explained that they were confident they had gotten 99% of my cancer cells and explained how the next few months would play out as they go after the remaining 1%; about every 30 days i would come in for a 5 day cycle of chemo treatment, then would be released. each time my numbers would be expected to drop again and i might possibly have to come in for more transfusions, or if i spike a fever...but at this point i could go home because everything was going so well.

the next day, before i was discharged, alix came to do a third bone marrow test (let me interject to say that they don't get any easier physically...i think psychologically they get worse because you know what's coming, but they are a necessary part of assessment and treatment). this would provide valuable results that would be made available to me the following week as i would be coming in to see dr. leber for follow up and to confirm my consolidation therapy. at the time of my follow up appointment, dr. leber explained that i was in the highest bracket possible for excellent prognosis. blood work from that morning also indicated that in less than a week my white cell count had gone from 3.4 to 5.1, hemoglobin had gone from 84 to 106, absolute neutrophils had gone from 1.3 to 2.6, platelets had gone from 315 to 587, and all my chemistries and bone marrow test came back normal. another bone marrow test was scheduled for thursday, nov. 29, and i would also be admitted for a 5 day cycle of chemo--phase 1 of my consolidation therapy--and would receive chemo on days 1, 3, and 5. the bone marrow test was being conducted this time so they could extract a sample for the purposes of pinpointing a molecular disorder they had detected, and for which they required a fresh marrow sample to study. the results of this test are still pending but once known, my team feels they will know the cause of my leukemia and will be able to fully complete my treatment.

i know this has been a long entry, but i just want to complete this post by adding that in the 8 days i was discharged, i was able to enjoy time at the house with my sister and niece who had come to visit, go out to the grocery store and walmart with my mom, do some christmas decorating, and visit with people in a non-hospital setting...in other words, i was able to live pretty normally :-) i also went to see the walk-in clinic dr (who was instrumental in getting me in the hospital initially) to secure her as my family dr. she remembered me and gave me a big hug and said she would love to have me as a patient and that she was relieved i was ok and looking so well :-)

i am blessed to be on this journey because i am learning to trust...God and people. i am learning to lean...something i have never been inclined to do because i have always been so fiercely independent...but i have come to the awareness that doctors and nurses and medicine and hospitals aren't scary after all :-) i'm learning that i need to sometimes shut up and accept help and things from family and friends. i'm learning that God really won't give me more than i can bear. i am the wimpiest person on the face of the earth, with no pain tolerance or stomach for anything, and yet somehow i am bearing this :-) maybe not always silently or graciously (yes, i have been sometimes vocal and have had choice words during a bone marrow test--ask my mom :-) ), but i am bearing it with God's help and with the help of all the prayers and encouraging words and thoughts from family and friends and even strangers.

after all, it's just cancer...

and God's got this!

ggt!!!--part 3

"my times are in God's hand" (ps. 31:15).

i wasn't at the oakville trafalgar hospital long. dr. lee said they were transferring me to the best cancer facility in the country--the juravinski cancer centre. this would take place the next day--october 24. i was admitted under the care of oncology hematologist dr. brian leber, and nurse practitioner alix duck. i spoke at length with alix--actually, she did most of the speaking :-) she told me that they were on my case and were going to take good care of me. she explained that they would need to run a few more tests on my organs and get my weight and height. this would determine the chemo dosage they would administer. she said they wanted to get things going in the next 24 hours or so...and they did. thursday night, 2 days after i was diagnosed, i began an aggressive 24/7 chemo treatment. i would receive a drug called daunorubicin for 30 minutes for 3 days and the drug cytarabine 24 hours a day for 7 days. this was the beginning of my induction therapy--the first 30 days of treatment and monitoring for infections. it was explained to me that i would be required to remain in hospital the entire time as they work to bring about remission because there are too many risks in leaving...

which was fine by me. already, i felt so safe and cared for in the hour i had been here. everyone on my case knew everything about it. they looked me in the eye when they spoke to me without having to awkwardly thumb through pages of tests and results to be able to talk to me about my cancer. their competency and confidence here is remarkable. their care and compassion and willingness to accommodate is almost unsettling when you're used to being fiercely independent. they answer the questions i can't think to ask. they are on top of every symptom and side effect. they go out of their way to make sure my comfort level is high no matter how low my condition is. because this centre is so focused on cancer treatment, everyone is doing just that...caring for cancer patients to the enth degree...each nurse typically has no more than 4 other patients during their shift so when needed, they can quickly come. my doctors are kind and certain. my nurse practitioner is in to see me a couple times a day, and actually works more directly with me than the doctors, and is so sure about what she's doing that i'm always put at ease when i've seen her. in short, this is an amazing centre...and i can't help but think about how God has directed my steps to this day..."the Lord is my shepherd; i have all i need. He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths" (ps. 23).

they use a garden analogy here at the jcc. basically, my garden was overrun with weeds which needed to be wiped out. leukemia is a a cancer of the white blood cells (also called neutrophils) which begins in the bone marrow where cells are made. white blood cells help the body fight germs and prevent infections and diseases and are part of the immune system. leukemia causes these cells to grow quickly and multiply out of control. additionally, these cells are not fully formed and are not able to do the work of mature white blood cells. the abnormal white blood cells build up in the bone marrow and spill over into the blood stream. in the blood, the abnormal white cells crowd out the normal cells. as a result, the blood does not contain enough healthy red blood cells and platelets. and this was exactly my problem. with my lack of red blood cells and platelets, and copious amount of unhealthy white blood cells, i had about 10 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia.

let me interject at this point to say that i haven't 'claimed' this disease. i believe that at any point i can be made well and whole...it could happen today...or perhaps i will have to go through the entire process. i don't know. i still believe that at any point God could heal me in the process, but it seems like He's healing me through the process. just because He happens to be using the brilliance and brains of doctors and medicine doesn't mean i'm not getting my miracle. in my last blog entry i referred to a verse that says God goes before me and He follows me. i believe He had already started on my garden before the first bag of chemo was hung, and i feel strongly that He's been in weeding and planting ever since. my miracle won't be any less of a miracle just because God decided to use the advancements of medicine and cancer treatment to bring it to pass.

so while my garden was growing uncontrollable weeds, for a few weeks prior and in staggered degrees of severity, i was experiencing the following symptoms: shortness of breath, fast heart beat, feeling tired, looking pale, generally feeling unwell, night sweats, fever, easy bruising, bleeding from nose and gums, bone pain. the only symptoms i hadn't displayed were weight loss, infections, and blood in stool (sorry, but this is real life now :-) ). i was a classic case of acute myeloid leukemia...except that i am a bit young to be getting it. aml typically affects adults above 40 years, and 1/3 are over 60 years of age. it's acute because it worsens quickly. what it is not is infectious, inherited, or caused by something i did or didn't do; the handbooks say there was no way i could have prevented getting it. in some ways, it was just meant to be...

and it was.

this time in my life is in God's hand. and He's leading and guiding all the way.

because He has got this.

ggt!!!--part 2

"God goes before me and He follows me" (ps. 139:5).

my life's journey took an unexpected but totally planned and not unguided turn on oct. 17 when a caring walk-in clinic doctor called at 6:33 pm and told me to get to the hospital. when my roommate got me to the hospital, literally just in time, she watched in shock as the er and triage nurses said i was coding and they needed to get me to the resuscitation room. the walk-in clinic doctor who said my hemoglobin was low had called it correctly only hours earlier. my hemoglobin level was at 40. a normal, healthy count starts at 120. no wonder i thought i needed a puffer. i was in fact suffocating to death--not because of my lungs, but because of my blood. my red blood cells, which carry oxygen to every part of the body, were so low that basically my body wasn't breathing. over the next 8 hours i would be admitted to the milton district hospital and would receive 4 units of blood, each taking about 2 hours to transfuse.

i was in the milton hospital for a little over 4 days--from wednesday to monday. during this time, i received more blood and platelet transfusions. at times my platelets--the blood clotting agents in the body--were as low as 8 and a normal count is well over a hundred. i also had tons of blood taken and tests run. you name it, they scanned it, rayed it, sounded it...heart, lungs, organs, head...everything kept coming back normal. the internal medicine doctor on my case told me a couple of days in that they were looking for something autoimmune, infectious, or blood borne. on saturday i was told about the possibility of a blood cancer, but not to worry because all of the other things they were looking for hadn't been ruled out. i didn't know yet, but the walk-in clinic doctor had actually mentioned to hollie what she thought it might be--she wouldn't be wrong...

because so much was being ruled out, the internist on my case--who was in communication with a hematologist at the next hospital i would be admitted to--said that a bone marrow test was scheduled for monday because this would give them more possibilities about what we were dealing with. monday came and just as the procedure was scheduled to take place, the internist came in my room and said that the hematologist he had been speaking to at the oakville trafalgar hospital wanted to do the test herself. this would mean a transfer as soon as a bed became available.

the next day i found out i would be going to oakville trafalgar hospital. the transfer took place at 11 am. i was admitted at noon and by 1:10 pm, dr. lee--the first hematologist on my case--came like a whirlwind into my room carrying the bone marrow test tray. this was how i met her...blazing in and all business...i was quite worked up about having the procedure done, and they did give me ativan and morphine, but dr. lee said we were racing against the clock and the test had to get done before the drugs would kick in. she had to get the samples quickly so that they could be sent to hamilton (to the hospital i would end up going to for my treatment), and this had to happen before 2 pm. other than the freezing that was administered, i was aware of EVERYTHING. there were 2 kinds of sensation--pressure and pain. the pressure was a pumping kind, like my hip bone was being drilled into, and while it didn't hurt, the feeling was nauseating. the pain sensation? well that was something else. everytime dr. lee told me to take a deep breath, there was a plunging and permeating pain in my hip. the procedure takes about 10 minutes. it was a long 10 minutes.

but i made it through it :-) the dr and nurses said i did wonderfully, but i think they were just being kind. dr. lee raced from the room with my samples and i was left to 'get comfortable.' yeah right. after a bone marrow test :-) anyway, apparently my samples made it to hamilton because i received my diagnosis at 7 pm that evening, october 23, 2012,. dr. lee came in with the news--acute myeloid leukemia.

i. have. cancer. it took a few minutes to sink in...

i have to tell you, though, it was a veritable relief when the diagnosis came, because now it had a name...it was something that could be prayed for and treated. the big question was answered and now we could move forward...

speaking of moving forward, my story will pick up in the next blog entry, but i will end with this: "God directs my steps, so why try to understand everything along the way" (pro. 20:24). this doesn't mean i can't ask God why, because believe me, i have. on the contrary, i think it means with the asking i must also be willing to trust that even though i don't fully understand, i can trust God to get me through the journey. do i 'get' it? not quite. do i understand? not entirely. but i'm starting to. my every step is being directed and though directionally challenged, my faith is not. i have peace in this process because i know this journey isn't a generic, one-size-fits-all journey. rather, my journey was designed with me and only me in mind. this time was designed specifically for me. "God made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb...God watched me as i was being formed...He saw me before i was born. every day of my life was recorded...every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (ps. 139).

God knew this day would come--october 23, 2012--acute myeloid leukemia.

and i know God has got this!!!

ggt!!!--part 1

"God knows the way i take" (job 23:10).

you know that thing you know you should do but you never do? yeah...that thing...i'll preface this by saying that you should probably do it...maybe even today...

let me catch you up...

my journey begins october 17th...actually, it begins about a week before, and likely even some time before that. my alarm went off at the usual time for work, but when my feet hit the floor i felt 'off.' i made an attempt to get ready for work that didn't last long. by 7:30 i had called in to say i thought i had a bronchial issue. for the entire week prior i had been experiencing a tightness in my chest, dry cough, and shortness of breath. going up sets of stairs was an effort, leaving me winded. going outside in the cool air made me cough uncontrollably. and constantly i had a tightness that made me feel i had to take deep breaths to be able to breathe. i was positive i needed a puffer. and i knew i needed to see a doctor for that to happen--that thing i never do...

that morning, i went to the walk-in clinic and explained everything i was feeling to a wonderful walk-in clinic doctor (who i am trying to secure as my family doctor because she played an essential part in saving my life). i gave her all my symptoms and told her my self diagnosis. she checked me all over and said, "i don't believe it's your lungs, dear. i believe it's your hemoglobin." she did give me a script for a puffer, but also sent me to a nearby lab for blood work and an ecg and told me to come see her on friday or saturday because she would have the results by then.

i have a weak constitution; it doesn't take much to make me pass out and the thought of blood work gave me that numbing sensation, but i went and had it done. on my way back to the house, i decided to stop at shopper's drug mart and have the puffer script filled. while i was waiting for it, i got lightheaded and recognized all my signs of passing out--tunnel vision, dulled hearing, complete weakness...i made my way to a self service blood pressure kiosk and sat down...and blacked out. i thought it was just from being weak from the blood work so i was just going to take myself home. however, i had somehow managed to lose my keys in the process. the pharmacist who found me and assisted me said i shouldn't drive, but i had all intentions of doing just that once i got away from him, so God must have had a hand in making sure i couldn't find my keys :-) fortunately, a neighbor was able to come and get me. she wanted to take me to emerg but i refused, insisting that i had only passed out and needed to sleep. against her better judgment she took me home.

i slept all afternoon. when my roommate (who i also credit for saving my life) got home from work, she said we should go to emerg. again i refused and told her i just needed sleep and gatorade. she said she would go to shopper's and get me some. while she was out, she went to the walk-in clinic and asked to speak to the doctor. certainly the only reason this was allowed was because she knows the receptionist there. with the exception made, the doctor came out and when hollie described me to the doctor, she knew exactly who hollie was talking about and said i needed to go to emerg once she found out about my passing out episode. she also told hollie that i was very ill...days later hollie would tell me what the doctor suspected was wrong with me...remember that the blood work wasn't supposed to come back until friday...

the house is about 5 mins from the clinic and shopper's. in the time it took hollie to drive from there to the house, i had a missed called from dr. milanthi (days later i would realize i had a voicemail from her which i have saved and listened to several times because of the role dr. milanthi played in my journey to wellness). not reaching me, the doctor's next step was to get hollie's number from the receptionist since i hadn't listed anyone as a contact on my file. when hollie walked in to my bedroom she was on the phone with the doctor and was saying we had to go to emerg immediately. dr. milanthi asked to speak to me and when i took the phone she said, "teri, i just received your blood work results after hollie left. your blood is critically low. you must go to the hospital now. do not delay."

with some effort, hollie got me to the car--i'm still struggling to breathe, even going down sets of stairs. i'm slow moving and lightheaded and i think i recognize the signs suffocating to death. and i know something is wrong. 2 minutes later we arrive at the hospital. i remember opening the car door, putting my feet on the ground, standing...and that's it. the next time i come around, i am in a resuscitation room in a johnny shirt with oxygen on, with more nurses and aides around me than i can count. a nurse is on either side of me asking each other if the other one has found a line yet, 2 are at my feet saying i have a large hematoma on my shin forming, another is monitoring numbers on a machine, and someone is waiting to take blood samples...

my journey had quickly entered the next phase...

i'll stop at this point in my telling because i've decided to break my journey up into sections, but before i do, i want to say that nothing happens by chance. nothing. i don't believe in coincidence, wheels of fortune, or luck. sure, things happen at the same time, but nothing happens by chance. i believe things happen for a reason and on this journey called life we have starts and stops and detours...and perhaps a bit of backtracking when we don't follow the directions. but i don't believe roads are random...

i'm naturally a directionally challenged person. east, west, north, and south don't mean much to me, but i do know that when i get in a vehicle i'm always going in a direction. i might not know where i am going, but i trust that i will get to my destination...starts, stops, detours, backtracking included--they're all part of the destination and i will get to where i am going. job, a guy in the bible, said he went east, west, north, and south on his journey, and even though he didn't know where he was going, he knew God did.

i believe my steps are divinely ordered...this includes my starts and my stops. ggt!!! to explain, for those of you who don't know, i had my good friend terri text me the statement "God's got this" early on in my journey. i started using it in my daily facebook updates and a cousin shortened it to "ggt" one day. it has stuck and been repeated ever since, and has become my motto because i really do believe that He has got this thing all the way!

so close you can feel it. so real you can taste it.

ever expect something? i mean really, really, really, really expect something?

in the medical world there's something called the placebo effect...

placebo effect (n):

1) the phenomenon that a patient's symptoms can be alleviated...apparently because the individual expects or believes that it will work;

2) a beneficial effect in a patient following a particular treatment that arises from the patient's expectations concerning the treatment

mmm hmm. expectation. and a belief in something so strongly that it effects change.

there's a saying--"speak it into existence." self help gurus advocate it. the medical system supports it. dozens of biblical principles are grounded in this idea. and the point is simple. it's about expectation. it's about believing for something so strongly that you willingly suspend your disbelief that it won't ever happen, to the point where you live your life filled with expectation for the when of it...not the if of it.

expecting is about being anticipatory and ancillary...it's about expecting great things and doing all you can to help make great things happen. the placebo effect doesn't exist without the belief that it will happen. it doesn't exist without your effort to stay the course and facilitate--not frustrate--the process.

sometimes on the radio--when i'm not tuned into my fave station, cbc radio--i hear a song by eminem. i don't really pay attention to the lyrics past the first few lines, since i'm usually headed back to a cbc frequency anyway, but the first few lines actually hold some valuable truth that bear repeating: "look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted--one moment--would you capture it, or just let it slip?"

and that's all i'm saying today...my first post in months...

speak it, believe it, will it, expect it into existence.

it's right there...it's so close you can almost feel it; so real you can almost taste it.

you can.