the good bad news

yesterday hollie and i went for the results of my last bone marrow test, six months plus a day after my diagnosis. for reasons i don't get, i didn't get the result of remission that i had hoped for & 1000s have prayed for...not yet, at least :-)

dr. leber, my hematologist walked in the room with his nurse, sat down, touched my shoulder & said, "we have mixed news for you today---'good' bad news."

bad news was all i heard at first.

he went on to explain that the leukemia cells are still showing 1:10,000 after running a complex test with a fancy machine that shows cells not visible in any of the other tests they ran on my sample. in fact, 5 years ago he said he would have been walking in the room & declaring me to be in remission based on just a couple of tests that are run with the bone marrow & blood sample. however, due to medical advancements & the development of new & intricate technology, cancer cells not previously able to be seen can now be detected. 5 years ago, i would have walked out of the room 'in remission,' but eventually the cells would have reproduced to the point where they were again visible in the only tests available at the time. maybe it would have taken 6 months, maybe 2 years...but eventually--because there were so many of them--they would be visible in the way they are today in much smaller numbers with this fancy machine & test...unless, of course, i got a miracle making the cells invisible forever :-)

dr. leber went on to explain that the good news is that when i first presented 6 months ago, my cancer cells were the size of a volleyball in terms of volume. in fact, i pretty much had more cancer cells in my body than i had good cells at the time. now, after 4 rounds of chemo, the cancer cells are the size of the tip of a ballpoint pen. he told me that the leukemia is 'manageable' but that his preference would be to proceed to a transplant since the small percentage persists & could reproduce rapidly or gradually. he said it's like the cancer cells have a hard shell on them that the chemo couldn't penetrate or break down. by 'managing' the leukemia we could keep the counts under control but i would still have cancer in my body. this isn't the option he's interested in pursuing for obvious reasons. me either, actually :-)

next, dr. leber explained that it's good news that i have a full sibling. his transplant coordinator will be calling my sister, directing her where to go to give a sample to determine if she's my molecular match. there's a 1 in 4 chance she will be since we are full siblings. the sample will be sent here where it will be tested by dr. leber's team. this will take 2-3 weeks. there are 10 criteria needed for a perfect match; 9 can be worked with. if my sister isn't a 9 or greater, dr. leber will then go to the worldwide bank, where there are millions & millions of donors. my odds of there being a match are good since i'm caucasian, but hopefully my sister will be the one who best matches me. our mom used to have matching dresses made for my sister & me; now we are praying that God made us with the matching blood :-)

there's a great deal i don't know about the whole transplant process because dr. leber says it will be 2-3 months before the transplant, but possibly sooner if my sister is a match. he assured me that we will talk about it all, & there's lots to talk about in terms of the process that will all get addressed. i do know from the literature i was given early on that a transplant means receiving healthy blood cells from a donor, and is more likely to prevent relapse & cure leukemia than just chemotherapy. so far, while i have done very well, there's more work to do. & i believe the work is still going on inside of me. it's also taking place outside of me, as a donor is searched for & my healthcare team collects all the pieces & puts them in place for my transplant. that's the good news. i will get my miracle yet, even if God decides to use medicine & treatment.

i have decided to not stress about the details because this is not my problem. & i don't mean that in a nonchalant or cavalier way, or in a way that i won't acknowledge that i need to make wise choices in terms of what i feed body & the care i take to look after myself, even though with my type of leukemia i didn't do anything to get it & i couldn't have done anything to prevent it. i still acknowledge that there's more i can do to encourage better health. but when i say this isn't my problem, i mean that i am once again reminding myself of God's ability in all of this. do i get it? not at all. but He does. He designed me & He knows what He's doing in me. the psalmist put it this way: "You shaped me first inside, then out; You formed me in my mother's womb. i thank you, God...body & soul, i am marvelously made!...You know me inside & out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how i was made, bit by bit, how i was sculpted from nothing into something. like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread before You, the days of my life all prepared before i'd even lived one day."

bottom line, God knows every bone in my body. therefore, He knows what's going on in my marrow & in my blood. & either with or without science & medicine, He's healing me. one cell at a time. in the way He knows is best for me & my future.

so, good bad news. that's better than bad good news. & it's certainly better than just bad news, even if it's not as great as only good news. but the good news is that God's got this. no matter what. has He healed me in the way i want? not yet. will He? i don't know, but i do know that doesn't mean He doesn't know what He's doing in my body & throughout this process. & really, the news was only bad yesterday because my miracle hasn't quite happened the way we all imagined. but that doesn't mean it's not happening. not for one second. every cell is accounted for, even if they're not all visible to dr. leber & his team :-)

so celebrate with me despite yesterday's 'bad' news, because the good news is that my remission is in God's capable Hand, & that's a blog entry for another time!!! :-)

God's still got this!!!

6 months ago today, at 7 pm in the evening, i was told i have acute myeloid leukemia.

tomorrow i go for my last bone marrow test results.

i don't know where the time has gone. it's crazy to me. i looked at 3 pictures of myself tonight spanning a couple years: one with big, curly hair--pre-cancer; one with no hair--mid-cancer treatment; and one with growing hair--post-chemo treatment. i couldn't help but think about the passage of time while at the same time wondering how i got here...how i have gotten through this...

there's a verse in the bible that says "time and chance happens to all." i still believe that my times are in God's Hand. my yesterday and all its mistakes are gone. my present is a gift. and tomorrow will take care of itself, with God's help. the biblical writer explains: "the fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. the wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. and those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. it is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."

i believe i am in God's place, in God's time--the right place and right time indeed...He knows best...all my fears, questions, victories...and even though i make all kinds of mistakes, He doesn't.   

i am believing for remission results tomorrow. more chemo or a transplant are also medical possibilities...but i am holding out for the miraculous...

and no matter what, God's still got this.

all the way.

i don't believe it!?! song selection means something!?!

so, i've had some time on my hands :-) back in the day, when it first began, i was an american idol fan. a few seasons in, i lost interest and only watched the audition highlights--like the 'best of' or 'worst of' episodes. this season i have been watching, because as i said, i have had some time on my hands and it gives me something to do and follow. i have become a fan because of the judges and their feedback, the performances, the singing and musical aspects, of course and--oddly enough--the song selections.

this past week, one of my audition favourites (i had 2, and they are both in the final 5--do i have an ear for music and an eye for star quality, or what?!? :-) ) made an impressive song selection by choosing to sing a song for which one of the judges is famous. the contestant sang the song almost effortlessly and to rave reviews, unlike some other contestants who severally and severely got critiqued for their song selection, in addition to their interpretation and performance. this season, the contestants seem to have often struggled with song selection and are reminded that the song matters and choosing should not be taken lightly. the song should showcase all the unique qualities of a singer's voice, indeed, but there should also be a connection. the audience should be able to tell what the song means to the singer, even if they don't know all the intimate details associated to the singer's impression of the song.

now, because you're no doubt wondering, the song was mariah carey and whitney houston's "when you believe." the contestant sang a very convincing rendition, nailing it, knocking it out of the park, leaving the other contestants in her wake. it actually brought me to tears.

which brings me to my interest and point of view.

let me explain.

there are lots of analogies out there about life and living. i often use the journey one and taking every stage in stride, or the book one and writing chapters...i'm sure you understand my point...

in this entry i'm employing the analogy that life is a song you sing. let's ignore the fact that every day could realistically be a different song (because let's be honest, that is the beauty and power of music), and assume today, right now, in this moment like it's your last, like your staying in the contest depends on the song you select and sing, and that there's one song for you to sing...for me (for the past few days) it would be "there can be miracles." the song addresses hope versus doubt (because let's be honest, sometimes we wonder if our prayers are being heard and if they will be answered, looking for proof of the same), courage versus fear (because let's be honest, sometimes i think we are afraid to ask for exactly what we want for fear of rejection, or that we will get some other modified version of what we want), resilience versus frailty (because let's be honest, sometimes we feel like we can't possibly bear it). it espouses faith and belief in the face of uncertainty and emotional upheaval. it suggests that your miracle already exists and it's yours when you believe. not if. when.

i think God has given me exactly the right amount of faith and belief to experience the miraculous. do  i believe miracles happen because of me? no, i believe God has got the miraculous covered, but He waits for evidence of faith and belief in people, however small it may seem to me. i don't think God needs much to work with...but He does want some proof that we believe...not because we consider ourselves exemplary christians or good people, but because we realize this isn't something we can do on our on. i believe i can be made well and whole...not because i can do it...but because i believe God can. there are lots of promises presented to us...not in a carrot on a stick sort of way...but in a way that let's a person know in their darkest hour there is still hope, faith, belief and there are results for engaging in any or all of them...and on the days we can't do it for ourselves, someone can believe for us. i know.

"they don't always happen when you ask,

and it's easy to give in to your fears.

but when you're blinded by your pain--

can't see your way clear through the rain--

a small, but still, resilient voice
says help is very near."

so, remember: the song you select today matters.. it matters to your health, it matters to your mind, it matters to your audience, it matters to your experience of life...and it might even matter to your survival...and whether you are on the world stage or in the quiet of your secret place, you've gotta believe it.

because there is "in our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood. now we are not afraid although we know there's much to fear. we were moving mountains long before we knew we could. there can be miracles when you believe. though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."

oh, and by the way...faith beats fear every time.

so believe it. 

and sing accordingly.

:-)

"realize every victory outright!!!"

6 months ago today, on october 17th, my journey took an unexpected turn...one i never saw coming...one that would change my life forever. i ended up in an emergency room with critically low--resuscitation level--blood counts. only days later i would receive a diagnosis of cancer in the form of acute myeloid leukemia. in the space of 10 days to 2 weeks i had 11 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia but didn't know it was leukemia.

if you've read any of my sporadic entries up to today, you will know that i have had 4 rounds of strong chemo pumped into me, at least 8 extended hospital admissions related to the chemo infusions or infections that my body couldn't fight on its own, several "why me?" days, bags and bags and bags of blood and platelet transfusions, dozens of tests and scans and ultrasounds and swabs...and, lots of victories.

there's a band that has been around for about 6 yrs who have really emerged on the music scene after their youtube video went viral last year and they appeared on a popular talk show. they do a lot of really organic, innovative stuff, popular for their unique covers and loved for their original music. their new album is titled revo, which stands for realize every victory outright.

and it's how i'm living each day...every victory gets recorded in some way and shared...a tweet, a facebook status update, a blog entry, a conversation with someone when they ask how i am...i don't take the victories lightly, however small or seemingly unremarkable; they all add up and are making me the person i need to be for the next stage of my journey.

at about this time 6 months ago, i was making my way to a walk in clinic where i would be sent for blood work and later end up in emerg. the journey has been a narrow road at times, with little flexibility when it comes to having a normal life because so much of my time is dictated by appointments, admissions, etc. at this stage of the journey i am waiting for the results from my last bone marrow test which took place last wednesday. i get the results next wednesday. i will be in one of 3 categories: in remission, in need of more chemo, or in need of a bone marrow transplant.

i believe i am being healed one cell at a time. and i am okay with that. early on i said i didn't care if i was healed from it, in it, or through it, and i still stand by that. if my miracle comes from God by way of medicine and treatment and the very best in healthcare, then that's fine. bring it on!

my point is that i still believe God has got this. all the way. down to the very last cell that needs replaced. and when i get scared about what tomorrow may bring, i am reminded about how far i have come and everything i have been protected from.

and i realize my victories through the power of prayer and positive thoughts and the miracle of medicine. my times really are in God's Hand. 6 months later, when i could have died that day, i am still here...and i have new pumas on to prove i'm in this race to win it :-)