getting connected

i went to the home going celebration for my boss's mom last week. something the officiating minister said stuck with me: "accumulations and accomplishments aren't what matter; relationships matter."


because of the way my brain works, i modified his thought: it's not about accumulations and accomplishments; it's about attachments.


stuff is nice. so's being successful. those things aren't wrong. we ought to work hard to have and achieve. but when we breathe our last breath, hopefully we'll be known for who we were in our connections with faith, family, and friends, and not for all stuff we acquired and the rungs we climbed.


as for accumulations, and having stuff, i find it interesting that a synonym is trappings. how apropos. especially in this day and age where some people have more credit cards than common sense, and their goods and their monthly statements increase simultaneously. i think our stuff has the unique ability to trap us. one of my favourite books is about a man named henry david thoreau. it's a real life account of how one man fled the busyness of mid-1800 new england society to go to walden pond. here, he was determined to overcome the desperate and materialistic obstacles of obtaining more, by becoming content with less. he had observed that people were living lives of resentment and seemingly bitter longing for the things they had not yet obtained. people were no longer asking what they needed to live, but were living hurried and wasted lives (174), all in the attempt to "get into business" and "out of debt" (110). thoreau concluded that people had become so caught up in the rat race of 'getting' that they were now doing penance for these things (108), becoming owned by the very things they were trying to own. things 'gotten' had gotten the 'getter,' leading thoreau to believe that in the end "the more you have...the poorer you are" (154).


thoreau talks at length about how people were spending the best part of their lives earning and obtaining "in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least part" of their lives (145). he had a keen interest in the way his neighbours were spending their lives (355), in exchange for a kind of slavery to things, understanding that the pursuit for things helped to keep civilization "poor as long as they live" (127). think about all the stuff you have. was every purchase wise? now think about your debt. can you afford to not work? probably not. our stuff owns us.


as for accomplishments, and being successful, too many people put too much stock in climbing corporate and company rungs. advancing is good, but many times these promotions are at the expense of people...the people who should matter more than the new placement or position. sometimes i think i accomplish a great deal, but get nothing done. what i mean by that is i have this checklist, and i'm really diligent at making sure i'm accomplished and successful at the end of the day, but i've done nothing to secure my position with my posse. all i'm saying is don't forget your people.


which brings me to attachments. and not to things or ambitions. i can accumulate and accomplish my life away and be so full, yet be so empty. my warehouses might be filled to the brim and i have no one to share it with because i've alienated myself from the things that really count...faith, family, friends. that's where my investments need to be. those investments are wise. my attachments should get the best of my time, talent, and treasure. 


now, you'll notice that i spent the most time talking about accumulations. that's because i think that's what gets us most distracted...especially my generation...and it affects our drive to be accomplished and, in turn, our attachment (or should i say lack of attachment) to people. it's seldom that what we acquire or how far we advance ever suffers. we garner and we make great gains at the expense of, well, what actually matters in this life.


here's what the bible has to say about all of this, found in luke 12: "life doesn't consist in the abundance of things that we possess...the ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully: and he thought to himself, 'what will i do, because i don't have room for all my crops?' and he said, 'here's what i'll do: i will tear down my barns and build bigger ones. then i'll have room for all my stuff. and i will say to my soul, "soul, you have lots of stuff stored for many years; now take it easy."' but God said to him, 'you fool! you will die this very night; then who will get everything you worked for?' yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God."


notice that the rich man 'thinks to himself' and he 'says to his soul.' not to a friend. not to a family member. maybe, just maybe, he had been so absorbed in the abundance of things that he shut people out. maybe. and even if we give him the benefit of doubt that he had people, it's telling that the man opts to build bigger barns than share with the people in his life. but then God asks him what he's going to do with all his stuff since his death is pending. if the rich man had people in his life, maybe God wouldn't be asking the question. maybe. and of course, made plain is the fact that the most important thing in life should be the attachment to God and faith. but i think there's enough implied in this passage to also suggest the importance of people, not possessing things. just a thought.


the passage--and the crux of this entry--is later explained with this verse: where your treasure is, there will your heart be.


the way i see it, i need to make sure that i'm not so absorbed with self-aggrandizement that my getting and my ground gaining has a choke hold on me. i don't want to be known by the things i did or didn't have, or the positions i did or didn't hold; i want to be known by my connections to faith, family, friends. i want to be connected to what counts in this life so that my investments are wise and get me a good return in life and in the life to come :-)


and one final point to ponder...


"wisdom [is] the principal thing; [therefore] get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding" (proverbs 4:7).

works cited

thoreau, henry david. walden and other writings. new york: bantam books, 1854.

becoming a bender, not a breaker

it's a wonder i have any friends.

i don't do zoos. i don't want to go to disney world. i don't enjoy playing or watching sports. i'm not a video gamer. i won't do semi-tropical/tropical vacations that consist of anything other than sun, sand, and tanning lotion (and a bit of shopping/site seeing...but when i say 'bit,' i mean like 2 hrs worth). i don't like reality tv. i would never do karaoke alone or play charades. i always cheer for the team that no one else is cheering for. i'm noncommittal, not because i think i may get a better offer, but because i'd rather not commit than change my mind and disappoint. i also sometimes drop the ball when it comes to initiating contact and communication in relationships...but, hey, i did say sports aren't my thing :-p

and, here's the kicker...i don't know why everyone doesn't see it the way i do :-)

i love: cbc radio, npr, tie dye, birkenstocks, used book stores, classical music, used books stores that play classical music or cbc or npr, all things bollywood, hours at the library or alone, and 16 lane highways.

and if you don't, it begs the question "why in the world not?????????" :-)

i have friends because they've accepted that i'm not like them. and vice versa. we're not the same. and i've become acclimated to the fact that some of them play sports and want me to go to games and watch a ball being kicked from one end of the field to the other, and that there will probably be something sports-related on the tv when i go over...and try as i might, i can't help it if they like the stupid red sox :-) they've accepted that i don't bend easily...and i've recognized that sometimes i need to bend.

this entry comes about as a result of an interview i heard on cbc the other day about a baby monkey whose mother died. he now has a human caretaker at the zoo where he is. i thought, "i will never see a monkey in a zoo because i hate zoos. i think most of my friends have been and like." then i thought, "the monkey won't survive if he rejects what the human offers in terms of hourly feedings, a watchful eye, and any other care the human administers in the mother's absence. and the human is putting himself out for something that won't really return the favour, at least in the sense that the monkey won't look after him when he's in a senior care facility years from now. and yet his work with primates is likely very rewarding." i also thought, "both are bending in some capacity to accept something other." but neither is becoming the other. nothing is really lost in the exchange. each gets to keep his identity. the monkey is not becoming human, and the human isn't becoming a monkey.

this is how relationships work. they are give and take. you learn to bend or the relationship breaks. i probably won't ever go to a zoo, and my friends might never get my reasons...but i won't guilt my friends into not going or expect them to see it my way. i probably won't ever like reality tv, but that doesn't mean i disrespect all my bachelor/bachelorette, apprentice, cake boss, and idol loving friends even though i don't get the appeal...and relievably they don't expect me to see it their way. goodness, if that was the case, this yankee loving, person who reads newspapers at soccer games wouldn't be allowed around. ever :-)

the thing is, i'm not supposed to like and do and become in the ways you like and do and become. it's about compromise and meeting halfway. by compromise i don't mean that it's about lowering your standards or giving up your identity. the best relationships are complementary, where difference is made up by the other, and similarity is the common stomping ground where we get to explore the ways we're the same. the best relationships aren't about me expecting you to bend. that's where i go wrong. the minute i expect you to see it my way, the fracture occurs. and it's not about me being the 'bigger person,' the 'one who takes the high road,' or the martyr. it's about me getting over myself and pausing to see how you see it :-)

the way i see it...well, i've already said it. and it's the title. bend or break. and just to make my point plain: if i'm expecting you to see it my way, there's a good chance it's likely me who needs to do a bit more bending...not in terms of beliefs, or who i am as a person, or things like that...i just mean in areas of likes and dislikes, what i'm used to or how i do it versus other viable options (like the little monkey 'making do' with the human caretaker), differences and similarities, etc.

i'm no expert, but i speak from experience: bend a bit. it will surprise you how easy it can be. and how little like sacrifice or settling or 'sucking it up' it will feel. and the reward will be healthy attachments...but that's for another blog...be watching :-)

determined enough to act

the other day i had to accomplish what seemed to be a daunting task. thinking about it the night before i knew i had to do it, and then again yesterday morning before i got started, i was mildly discouraged. how in the world was i ever going to get the job done? yes, i had all day to do it, being fortunate enough to be able to set the day aside, but i was still overwhelmed at the thought of how i was spending a large part of my saturday...a saturday that was already slated for busyness from 4:30 pm on...


all the details are neither here nor there, but for the sake of context, let me just explain that it involved needing to clean up after an event. again, let's forget the fact that the building actually wasn't a right off this time (either because the crowd was more respectful of the space, or because the various volunteers went out of their way to do more than expected). forget the fact that i managed to do what i needed to do (plus a little extra) in about 5 hours. and let's even forget that i get paid to do what i do.


removing those variables, let's just look at it for what it was: a job that needed done...


like i indicated, when i got in the building, i assessed the situation and found it to not be too bad. however, i had already accepted the fact that the job was mine to do no matter how long it took me or how bad it might be, or how unprepared or ill equipped or unable i felt i was. by the time i entered the building i had already made up my mind that it didn't matter how messy it was, or what i had to do, i was going to get it done. before getting started, while i was finishing a coffee, i tweeted and updated my facebook status to say this: "determination isn't measured by ability but activity. how badly do you want it? get to it. make. it. happen." 


that's original, by the way :-) i was thinking about my approach to the situation, that changed when i decided i was determined to get going and get it done. i consider myself a clean person and a decent cleaner, but there are times when i'm faced with a mess that i don't quite know what to use, or what to do...like the time i had to clean coffee off the new carpet--what product? just water? air dry or sponge up the excess? or the time there was wax all over the pews. or the first time big bertha's 18l vacuum cleaner bag needed changed. or at my other job in a busy real estate office, encountering a new variable in a counter offer for a deal that requires filling out paperwork i've never seen, or fielding phone calls from lawyers or bankers who forget i don't know their jargon so i'm not quite sure what it is they need.


you get the point. and you know from experience what i'm talking about. you could weigh in with dozens and dozens of similar instances where you've faced a task, or a situation, or a person, and there are all these variables that make you think you aren't able to meet the demands. and let me just insert that i'm not talking about ability in the sense of talent and knowing what you're good at and concentrating your efforts in the area that matches your abilities. this isn't a blog entry on the merits of talent and ability and doing what you know you're good at and called to do because you have particular strengths. 


no, this is an entry just to remind myself that there are going to be times when i'm going to be faced with dealing with an issue that i might have little experience in and possibly no ability, in the sense of aptitude, or skill, or qualification. it might even not only be in an area that's not my forté; it might be in an area of downright weakness! like the time i fixed a broken toilet by googling what to do, getting it wrong, and trying again. and again. i'm not a plumber, and i don't like toilets, but determination got the best of me, instead of the inclination to complain, do nothing, pretend i didn't see it, or pass the buck.


yesterday i learned a lesson before i even got started as i tweeted and updated my facebook status. i got the job done because i got active. my determination to get the job done had nothing to do with ability because really, anybody can wash windows and vacuum the carpet. yesterday it wasn't about being a good cleaner. it wasn't about strengths as a cleaner. it was about being faced with a job and getting active and making it happen. at the end of the 5 hours, my determination wasn't measured by my ability to clean because someone could have done a better job in less amount of time. i know that. my determination was measured by my activity, not my ability.


the way i see it, if i let ability determine my level of determination, there will be things i never attempt that i'd probably end up being pretty successful at if i'd only try. i will be the couch potato, bump on a log, and stick in the mud who critiques other people's ability and activity, who never contributes anything other than a negative commentary. i don't want to be that person.


here's an idiom that gets to the heart of what i'm saying: "where the rubber meets the road." this is the most important point for something, the moment of truth. an athlete can train all day, but the race is where the rubber meets the road. she'll never know how good she really is until she gets active and in motion...until her feet hit the ground running. it's not about how able she is to run the race if the race is never run. it's not about how able i am if i'm not determined to get up and get going. i'm not really determined if i'm not active, no matter how able i am.


i think you get the point, so i'll not labour it any longer :-) i encourage you to act. your determination to act will be met with ability. go for it.