becoming a bender, not a breaker

it's a wonder i have any friends.

i don't do zoos. i don't want to go to disney world. i don't enjoy playing or watching sports. i'm not a video gamer. i won't do semi-tropical/tropical vacations that consist of anything other than sun, sand, and tanning lotion (and a bit of shopping/site seeing...but when i say 'bit,' i mean like 2 hrs worth). i don't like reality tv. i would never do karaoke alone or play charades. i always cheer for the team that no one else is cheering for. i'm noncommittal, not because i think i may get a better offer, but because i'd rather not commit than change my mind and disappoint. i also sometimes drop the ball when it comes to initiating contact and communication in relationships...but, hey, i did say sports aren't my thing :-p

and, here's the kicker...i don't know why everyone doesn't see it the way i do :-)

i love: cbc radio, npr, tie dye, birkenstocks, used book stores, classical music, used books stores that play classical music or cbc or npr, all things bollywood, hours at the library or alone, and 16 lane highways.

and if you don't, it begs the question "why in the world not?????????" :-)

i have friends because they've accepted that i'm not like them. and vice versa. we're not the same. and i've become acclimated to the fact that some of them play sports and want me to go to games and watch a ball being kicked from one end of the field to the other, and that there will probably be something sports-related on the tv when i go over...and try as i might, i can't help it if they like the stupid red sox :-) they've accepted that i don't bend easily...and i've recognized that sometimes i need to bend.

this entry comes about as a result of an interview i heard on cbc the other day about a baby monkey whose mother died. he now has a human caretaker at the zoo where he is. i thought, "i will never see a monkey in a zoo because i hate zoos. i think most of my friends have been and like." then i thought, "the monkey won't survive if he rejects what the human offers in terms of hourly feedings, a watchful eye, and any other care the human administers in the mother's absence. and the human is putting himself out for something that won't really return the favour, at least in the sense that the monkey won't look after him when he's in a senior care facility years from now. and yet his work with primates is likely very rewarding." i also thought, "both are bending in some capacity to accept something other." but neither is becoming the other. nothing is really lost in the exchange. each gets to keep his identity. the monkey is not becoming human, and the human isn't becoming a monkey.

this is how relationships work. they are give and take. you learn to bend or the relationship breaks. i probably won't ever go to a zoo, and my friends might never get my reasons...but i won't guilt my friends into not going or expect them to see it my way. i probably won't ever like reality tv, but that doesn't mean i disrespect all my bachelor/bachelorette, apprentice, cake boss, and idol loving friends even though i don't get the appeal...and relievably they don't expect me to see it their way. goodness, if that was the case, this yankee loving, person who reads newspapers at soccer games wouldn't be allowed around. ever :-)

the thing is, i'm not supposed to like and do and become in the ways you like and do and become. it's about compromise and meeting halfway. by compromise i don't mean that it's about lowering your standards or giving up your identity. the best relationships are complementary, where difference is made up by the other, and similarity is the common stomping ground where we get to explore the ways we're the same. the best relationships aren't about me expecting you to bend. that's where i go wrong. the minute i expect you to see it my way, the fracture occurs. and it's not about me being the 'bigger person,' the 'one who takes the high road,' or the martyr. it's about me getting over myself and pausing to see how you see it :-)

the way i see it...well, i've already said it. and it's the title. bend or break. and just to make my point plain: if i'm expecting you to see it my way, there's a good chance it's likely me who needs to do a bit more bending...not in terms of beliefs, or who i am as a person, or things like that...i just mean in areas of likes and dislikes, what i'm used to or how i do it versus other viable options (like the little monkey 'making do' with the human caretaker), differences and similarities, etc.

i'm no expert, but i speak from experience: bend a bit. it will surprise you how easy it can be. and how little like sacrifice or settling or 'sucking it up' it will feel. and the reward will be healthy attachments...but that's for another blog...be watching :-)