God's still got this!!!

6 months ago today, at 7 pm in the evening, i was told i have acute myeloid leukemia.

tomorrow i go for my last bone marrow test results.

i don't know where the time has gone. it's crazy to me. i looked at 3 pictures of myself tonight spanning a couple years: one with big, curly hair--pre-cancer; one with no hair--mid-cancer treatment; and one with growing hair--post-chemo treatment. i couldn't help but think about the passage of time while at the same time wondering how i got here...how i have gotten through this...

there's a verse in the bible that says "time and chance happens to all." i still believe that my times are in God's Hand. my yesterday and all its mistakes are gone. my present is a gift. and tomorrow will take care of itself, with God's help. the biblical writer explains: "the fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. the wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. and those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. it is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."

i believe i am in God's place, in God's time--the right place and right time indeed...He knows best...all my fears, questions, victories...and even though i make all kinds of mistakes, He doesn't.   

i am believing for remission results tomorrow. more chemo or a transplant are also medical possibilities...but i am holding out for the miraculous...

and no matter what, God's still got this.

all the way.

i don't believe it!?! song selection means something!?!

so, i've had some time on my hands :-) back in the day, when it first began, i was an american idol fan. a few seasons in, i lost interest and only watched the audition highlights--like the 'best of' or 'worst of' episodes. this season i have been watching, because as i said, i have had some time on my hands and it gives me something to do and follow. i have become a fan because of the judges and their feedback, the performances, the singing and musical aspects, of course and--oddly enough--the song selections.

this past week, one of my audition favourites (i had 2, and they are both in the final 5--do i have an ear for music and an eye for star quality, or what?!? :-) ) made an impressive song selection by choosing to sing a song for which one of the judges is famous. the contestant sang the song almost effortlessly and to rave reviews, unlike some other contestants who severally and severely got critiqued for their song selection, in addition to their interpretation and performance. this season, the contestants seem to have often struggled with song selection and are reminded that the song matters and choosing should not be taken lightly. the song should showcase all the unique qualities of a singer's voice, indeed, but there should also be a connection. the audience should be able to tell what the song means to the singer, even if they don't know all the intimate details associated to the singer's impression of the song.

now, because you're no doubt wondering, the song was mariah carey and whitney houston's "when you believe." the contestant sang a very convincing rendition, nailing it, knocking it out of the park, leaving the other contestants in her wake. it actually brought me to tears.

which brings me to my interest and point of view.

let me explain.

there are lots of analogies out there about life and living. i often use the journey one and taking every stage in stride, or the book one and writing chapters...i'm sure you understand my point...

in this entry i'm employing the analogy that life is a song you sing. let's ignore the fact that every day could realistically be a different song (because let's be honest, that is the beauty and power of music), and assume today, right now, in this moment like it's your last, like your staying in the contest depends on the song you select and sing, and that there's one song for you to sing...for me (for the past few days) it would be "there can be miracles." the song addresses hope versus doubt (because let's be honest, sometimes we wonder if our prayers are being heard and if they will be answered, looking for proof of the same), courage versus fear (because let's be honest, sometimes i think we are afraid to ask for exactly what we want for fear of rejection, or that we will get some other modified version of what we want), resilience versus frailty (because let's be honest, sometimes we feel like we can't possibly bear it). it espouses faith and belief in the face of uncertainty and emotional upheaval. it suggests that your miracle already exists and it's yours when you believe. not if. when.

i think God has given me exactly the right amount of faith and belief to experience the miraculous. do  i believe miracles happen because of me? no, i believe God has got the miraculous covered, but He waits for evidence of faith and belief in people, however small it may seem to me. i don't think God needs much to work with...but He does want some proof that we believe...not because we consider ourselves exemplary christians or good people, but because we realize this isn't something we can do on our on. i believe i can be made well and whole...not because i can do it...but because i believe God can. there are lots of promises presented to us...not in a carrot on a stick sort of way...but in a way that let's a person know in their darkest hour there is still hope, faith, belief and there are results for engaging in any or all of them...and on the days we can't do it for ourselves, someone can believe for us. i know.

"they don't always happen when you ask,

and it's easy to give in to your fears.

but when you're blinded by your pain--

can't see your way clear through the rain--

a small, but still, resilient voice
says help is very near."

so, remember: the song you select today matters.. it matters to your health, it matters to your mind, it matters to your audience, it matters to your experience of life...and it might even matter to your survival...and whether you are on the world stage or in the quiet of your secret place, you've gotta believe it.

because there is "in our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood. now we are not afraid although we know there's much to fear. we were moving mountains long before we knew we could. there can be miracles when you believe. though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."

oh, and by the way...faith beats fear every time.

so believe it. 

and sing accordingly.

:-)

"realize every victory outright!!!"

6 months ago today, on october 17th, my journey took an unexpected turn...one i never saw coming...one that would change my life forever. i ended up in an emergency room with critically low--resuscitation level--blood counts. only days later i would receive a diagnosis of cancer in the form of acute myeloid leukemia. in the space of 10 days to 2 weeks i had 11 of the 13 symptoms of leukemia but didn't know it was leukemia.

if you've read any of my sporadic entries up to today, you will know that i have had 4 rounds of strong chemo pumped into me, at least 8 extended hospital admissions related to the chemo infusions or infections that my body couldn't fight on its own, several "why me?" days, bags and bags and bags of blood and platelet transfusions, dozens of tests and scans and ultrasounds and swabs...and, lots of victories.

there's a band that has been around for about 6 yrs who have really emerged on the music scene after their youtube video went viral last year and they appeared on a popular talk show. they do a lot of really organic, innovative stuff, popular for their unique covers and loved for their original music. their new album is titled revo, which stands for realize every victory outright.

and it's how i'm living each day...every victory gets recorded in some way and shared...a tweet, a facebook status update, a blog entry, a conversation with someone when they ask how i am...i don't take the victories lightly, however small or seemingly unremarkable; they all add up and are making me the person i need to be for the next stage of my journey.

at about this time 6 months ago, i was making my way to a walk in clinic where i would be sent for blood work and later end up in emerg. the journey has been a narrow road at times, with little flexibility when it comes to having a normal life because so much of my time is dictated by appointments, admissions, etc. at this stage of the journey i am waiting for the results from my last bone marrow test which took place last wednesday. i get the results next wednesday. i will be in one of 3 categories: in remission, in need of more chemo, or in need of a bone marrow transplant.

i believe i am being healed one cell at a time. and i am okay with that. early on i said i didn't care if i was healed from it, in it, or through it, and i still stand by that. if my miracle comes from God by way of medicine and treatment and the very best in healthcare, then that's fine. bring it on!

my point is that i still believe God has got this. all the way. down to the very last cell that needs replaced. and when i get scared about what tomorrow may bring, i am reminded about how far i have come and everything i have been protected from.

and i realize my victories through the power of prayer and positive thoughts and the miracle of medicine. my times really are in God's Hand. 6 months later, when i could have died that day, i am still here...and i have new pumas on to prove i'm in this race to win it :-)

"hit me with your best shot! fire away!" ggt!!!--part 8

there is a statement that is often said in relation to a situation...a girl who has had enough in a relationship, a disgruntled employee who has been slighted, an athlete who comes in second, a recovering addict trying to get clean, a singer who auditions but doesn't make the cut, a patient fighting a terrible disease...the statement is this: "you're not going to get the best of me." or, "i'm not going to let it get the best of me." used in this way, the statement is usually about moving on, letting go, accepting, turning the page, etc.

i was thinking about this statement in relation to my current situation. true, i can quickly and easily say to cancer, "you're not going to get the best of me," or to someone that i'm not going to let cancer get the best of me, but you know what? that's not really where i am. in fact, when i think about that statement, it better suits my journey and my headspace to say that cancer is going to get the best of me.

what do i mean?

well, basically, acute myeloid leukemia is going to get the best of me :-)

and i say that with as much defiance and determination as you can imagine.

i am finding that my fight against cancer is as much a psychological battle as it is a physical one. there's a strength that comes from being positive. in many ways, half the battle is in the mind. by the time i received my diagnosis, only days after being admitted, i actually breathed a sigh of relief because after days of tests and 'the unknown,' the 'it' finally had a name. and you can often treat something with a name. the night i got my diagnosis i decided with every fibre of my being that i was going to give leukemia a run for its money.

cancer is getting the best of me.

that doesn't mean i have given up. or that i have resigned myself to an unfightable fate. or that i just don't have it in me.

au contraire. it means i have my boxing gloves on and have come out swinging. i'm not cowering in the corner of the ring. cancer is down for the count.

cancer is getting the best of me. my best effort. my best fight. my best attempt. my best swing. my best start off the line.

i believe i am doing so well on my journey and in this fight because i made up my mind that the cancer cells that once threatened to take over my body are now being schooled by me. i am showing them who's boss. am i doing it on my own? no. i believe emphatically that this journey is going so well because i have soooo much spiritual and medical support systems at my disposal, and because i served notice on cancer, letting it know that it wasn't going to win. i let it know every day that i am in the constant motion of putting my best foot forward. every day i determine to deliver a fatal blow to leukemia...a tko, if you will :-) in other words, leukemia is facing a technical knockout from me and my support systems; cancer cannot safely continue in this match. the odds are stacked against it, and are ever in my favour.

pat benatar sang it this way: "well, you're a real tough cookie with the long history of breaking little hearts like the one in me. that's ok. let's see how you do it. put up your dukes. let's get down to it! hit me with your best shot! why don't you hit me with your best shot! hit me with your best shot! fire away! you come on with a come on. you don't fight fair. but that's ok. see if i care! knock me down. it's all in vain. i'll get right back on my feet again."

and that's my daily challenge to cancer. and it should be your challenge to whatever you're facing. go ahead, cancer. gimme all you got. take your best shot, problem. it may be well be your last.

:-)